District 9 is a movie that I was unsure about. I didn't watch all the teaser trailers or read any spoilers, to be honest I didn't really care enough about the movie to look into it. I'm very glad I let myself be surprised.
**Spoilers to follow, this is your alert**
The movie starts documentary style, we are introduced to Wickus, a low level paper pusher for MNU, a company that does....stuff. Stuff ranging from serving eviction notices to extra-terrestrials to military weapons manufacturing to mercenary employment.
20 years ago an alien mothership settled over Johannesburg, South Africa. After cutting through the hull of the ship over 1 million aliens were discovered living inside in a state of near death. Since the world was watching live they decided to move then into a special "resettlement camp" known as District 9. Because people are dicks, the aliens (derogatorily called prawns) aren't trusted and it becomes a prison camp, complete with weapon deals, food gouging and inter species prostitution...yeah that's right, gettin' freakay with ET!
Anyways, the aliens dont really like it here and they want to go home. One alien, named Christopher for some reason, is scrounging a special fluid that is used in their technology in hopes of powering a shuttle that is hidden below his shack. Just as he gathers enough Wickus arrives to serve the eviction notice, legally needed so they can move the prawns to a new camp 200 miles away.
Wickus examines the canister the fluid was gathered in and it sprays him in the face, causing him to start changing into a prawn. The military wants him because only prawns can use their weaponry as its DNA coded. The Nigerians want him because they think eating prawns will give them more power. The prawns want him because he knows where canister is. Wickus just wants to go the fuck home and get his arm back to normal.
So somehow Wickus and Christopher storm into MNU headquarters, blast the fuck out of heavily armed guards, get into the high-sec lab, steal the canister and make it out without being killed but the large mercenary force MNU hired to make sure the eviction process went smoothly. Wickus starts feeling sorry for the aliens he had been such a dick to, double crosses Christopher, then feels bad about it since he crashed the damn shuttle, takes control of an alien mech and kicks some major ass.
**End Spoilers**
This move was pretty damn good, and I don't say that often. Sure there were some parts where you scratch your head and think "Why the fuck didn't they just die?!"
This was not an action movie, it was not a mockumentary, it was not even a sci-fi movie really. This was a thinking movie, a movie that makes you look into its deeper meaning and take the idea of the movie and overlay it with real life.
There was a reason this movie was set in South Africa, it basically showed apartheid but in reverse. This time it was the native Africans abusing and controlling those they saw as a lesser species. It showed how humans are so quick to turn on other species if they see a benefit. And it showed how its easy to flaunt your power, until you are on the other side.
Its a touching movie with a deep meaning. I would recommend you see this while it is still in theaters. Since it isn't Disney and they use the word Fuck...a lot, it won't have a Titanic length run.
District 9 OR Damn, humans are dicks!
MySpace Security
So Im seeing another rash of mysterious bulletins and status updates that can only mean one thing. You got hacked by clicking a strange link that someone randomly posted.
How does all of this start? Well its pretty easy, someone clicks a link to see sexy singles, they approve an "Active X script" that steals their un/pw next time they log in. Their account is then accessed and they spam up with link to "a site that has rumors about you" or "omg you have to see these pics from last night."
You, being a person that rumors are created about or have embarrassing pictures taken of you, click this link to make sure you arent going to get fired from your corporate job, it comes up and asks you to approve an "Active X script" to see the content. Since you dont know what you are doing and blindly click on "OK" or "Yes" every time it comes up you have infected yourself. The cycle starts anew and continues forever.
"But Brandon, I'm so careful when I go online." Obviously not because your account got hacked. What you need to do now is change your password and security questions to something other than your boy/girlfriends name...and not your pet's names either. Pick a random word from the dictionary, thats a large book with a lot of words in it.
I really hope this has been an informative and inspirational post. Now fix your damn profile.
Harry Potter and the Teenage Romance
Let me go ahead and say that this review may contain some spoilers. The book has been out for a few years now so everyone should have been able to read it. Otherwise you should get off your fat ass, turn off MTV and read a fucking book. Levar Burton didnt spend years on Reading Rainbow for nothing asshole.
Im a huge Harry Potter fan and Im not ashamed to admit that. It is a well written book series wherein the writing style and subject matter grows with the audience over the 7 year adventure of Harry, Ron and Hermione. It's a solid book series that has allowed JK Rowling to sleep on a mattress of money on a solid platinum frame. The movies each follow the books quite well taking a little artistic license only when necessary and never taking anything away from the story.
The Half Blood Prince does not open with Snape taking the unbreakable oath, instead we start with Harry sitting in a subway diner chatting up a waitress, you little horn dog. He looks out the windows to the Dumbledore staring at him, they then go and meet with with Slughorn and convince him to come back to Hogwarts. Nothing wrong with this scene, it shows well that Harry is maturing and isnt going to just sit at home anymore in fact you dont see any of the Harry's aunt, uncle or cousin which I was happy about because they are annoying characters anyway.
So, as in the book, Slughorn is now teaching potions and Snape is defense of the dark arts teacher now. While in potions Harry discovers a beaten up text book with lots of stuff written in the margins. He uses the notes to be top in his class in potions. The book also has some new spells written in it and is signed The Half Blood Prince.
You don't get to see Snape teaching at all though. Considering he is supposed to be a main focus of the story line you really dont see him very often. He pops up from time to time to drag Malfoy away after he gets caught sneaking around, he has a mysterious conversation with Dumbledore, then he comes to Malfoy's side at the end. For such a pivotal character I really wanted to see more of him.
Unlike the book though there really isnt much done to try to find out who the half blood prince is. The term is only mentioned half a dozen times in the movie and at the end when you learn he is Snape...it doesnt change anything. "Oh, ok," is the general feeling about it.
The acting is still top notch, after 5 movies the actors have their characters down and provide really solid performances. I would have liked more Nymphadora Tonks, both her and Remus are really marginalized in this movie.
There is a lot that is left out of this movie. Cho Chang is not in it at all, all but 2 of the memory scenes are removed. There is a stronger focus on Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione than I would have liked. They removed the destruction of Diagon Alley, the Death Eaters storming through Hogwarts, and Dumbledore's funeral. All of which were very emotional scenes that really added to the reading experience.
The movie ran ~2.5hrs, had they cut out some of the awkward glances and "snogging" and put in more wizard on wizard battles like what was in the book this movie would have been greatly improved. I know some of that will be added as a "Director's Cut" on DVD, you greedy bastards.
Oh yeah, Snape kills Dumbledore. If you didnt already know that, die in a fire and gtfo my internets.
Im still gay for Johnny Depp
I was once in a heated debate as to whether Johnny Depp has ever been in a bad movie. I have now been proven wrong...
This movie really disappointed me for a few different reasons.
First and most glaring was the camera work. It looks like the entire movie was filmed for a History Channel re-enactment. Extreme close ups that follow the actors for way too long, grainy film work that I'm guessing is for dramatic effect, and the old fade to b/w to transition into a film reel.
Scene transitions were almost non existent, you jumped from scene to scene without any clear idea as to what happened in the between time. It also suffers from Cloverfield syndrome, where it appears they couldn't afford to hire cameramen who could keep a camera steady, instead they got a guy with a handicam who was going through heroin withdrawals..
Second was the action. I loves me some action, a little heart pounding and suspense makes for a good movie, it engages the audience and makes them want more. Public Enemies does not deliver on that. The gunfights start and they just keep going and going and going and going, to the point where I went to the bathroom, came back and the same damn gunfight was still going. I am aware that some of the showdowns between the Dillinger gang and the FBI were quite lengthy but when I get bored of a damn gunfight, you are making the movie wrong.
Length isn't even the real issue here, the gunfights just aren't captivating. You watch Saving Private Ryan and you don't want to get up when they are storming the beach, you don't want to miss anything when orcs are besieging Helm's Deep, and you aren't going to blink during Tombstone at the OK Corral. I went to the damn bathroom in the middle of a gunfight.
Third is the characters. Johnny Depp is amazing and charismatic, Christian Bale isn't doing the Batman voice and you really feel for his character of Melvin Purvis. I really hope these two do more work together in the future, in a better film. Neither of these characters are developed well though. You see that John Dillinger likes robbing banks and is good at it, but why? Melvin Purvis has a strong dedication to the law and wants to see Dillinger brought to justice, buy why?
All of the other characters are borderline nameless, there have no development, no intriguing qualities, and are wholly uninteresting. The Lady in Red was always a central and enigmatic figure in the Dillinger tale, she is introduced as a madame in the beginning of the movie and the BAM informant. I really would have liked to see her character shown more, even if they took some artistic license to fill in the blanks.
Other well know gangsters are shown in this movie, Baby Face Nelson, Pretty Boy Floyd, etc. The movie is called Public Enemies...not John Dillinger (it would have failed on this as well.)
The random G-Men that are shown I'm sure have some history behind them, why does the fat boy relish in beating the shit out of a woman? I WANT TO KNOW!
Last is the soundtrack. I didn't see it in some fancy IMAX with ZOMG sound, I like my small hometown theater, it wont be crowded and I wont have idiots ruining the movie for me, I'm not complaining about the sound quality anyway. I will have to watch this movie again and actually time it but I swear that at least 1/3 of the sound in this movie is gun fire. Non-stop gunfire, I touched on this in the action sequence but damn...it just lasted way to long.
The other 2/3 of the movie are some dialogue, some random song from the 1920's or 30's or just silence. Silence can be used to great dramatic effect, when used properly its amazing and has more feeling than Oh Fortuna. But when its silence for no apparent reason, it is just boring.
I did not enjoy this movie, it had so much promise but failed to deliver.
It could have been a classic, gritty, Chicago crime drama. Instead its a too long gun fight movie that barely touches on the story of John Dillinger and Melvin Purvis, the formation of the FBI, and the later consequences of the federal criminal legislation. I wanted Blow, I got Bad Boys 2.
Nerdapalooza Day 2
Alright, so after chillin with peeps Saturday night I was crazy tired, hardly any energy left but still going, feeding off the awesome that was permeating the concert hall.
Here we go.
Open Mic
There were some really great rappers that stepped up, Loki with a cameo by Schaffer the Darklord, lucky bastard. And MC Coolwhip with his diss to Helen Keller...
mCRT
Definately not for the easily offended. Easily the raunchiest nerdcore artist at the show, and possibly in the community. There is something unnerving about hearing the term "pink sock" before its drinkin time...
Emergency Pizza Party
They said it couldnt be done, they said it shouldnt be done, but EPP proved them wrong. You CAN somehow rhyme about pizza and Capt Planet in the same song...well still maybe you shouldnt but it was hella catchy.
The Great Luke Ski
Umm...I was eating breakfast. Im sorry Luke :(
Dual Core
Holy shite! If you want to know where the scene is headed, or maybe where it should be heading, check out int80. In my opinion, with his rhymes and no deviation from the subject matter, the purest form of nerdcore I have ever heard. This was probably also the most EPIC act because of this:
int80, remy, MC Lars, MC Frontalot, Beefy, YTCracker and Schaffer the Darklord. One stage, one song, 5 of the most awesome minutes in nerdcore history.
The House of Black
Wizard rock, interesting concept, didnt stay for this one as I was dying of thirst and needed to rest after staring into the face of awesome.
ZeaLous1
When he isnt busting out a sick free style he is rocking your face with songs about first person shooters and pwning your ass every chance he gets. His newest album is definately worth checking out.
Uncle Monsterface
I didnt really know what to say when this band came on. They have people in costumes, cool. They have sock puppets, cool. Their first song was about a battle between Mashed Potatoes and Vampires...lol wut?
The Grammar Club
This was something a lot of people were waiting for, they had been practicing each morning since this was the first time everyone in the group would be playing together irl. You had beefy, laying down fast smooth rhymes and Shael Riley, without a doubt one of the best lyricists in the nerdcore genre. This show was plagued with sound problems, from mic feedback to the drums being unusable.
It was still a great first show for nerdcores first Super Group.
Schaffer the Darklord
Here we go, the main event (at least in my eyes). Schaffer is a rapper from NYC, he is evil, he drinks baby tears to sustain himself, he can throw down enough beer to kill an elephant and doesnt breath.
Im just playing, he does in fact breath, I just dont know when. His rhymes do not stop, he does not stop. He and his black box of doom take the crowd to a new level of energy and dont let them back down until he is damn good and ready.
With songs ranging from Fonts battling killing each other deciding who is the best to the ultra offensive to some Night of the Living Christ he has to be the greatest showman of the nerdcore genre, easily the best ive seen.
Unfortunately I was not able to stay long enough to see The Protomen, had a long drive ahead of me and little sleep as is. mc chris was the main headliner for the night and the closer for the entire event...
There were some people that said he didnt belong, he has blasted nerdcore repeatedly and said that everyone was just riding his coattails, well look. He sell tickets, it was all for charity so no one can really complain. And if Frontalot is cool with it them im cool with it.
Nerdapalooza 2009!
Im back at my day job after having easily one of the best weekends of all fucking time.
I went to Nerdapalooza, a nerdcore centered music festival down in Orlando Florida, over 20 acts with 30 performers spread over two 12 hour periods. For clarities sake Im gonna go through each act chronologically.
Please note, Im not trying to diss anyone or disparage what they do, these are just my own personal views and preferences so if you get offended then you are taking yourself way too seriously.
Odd Austin
Wasnt really what I was expecting, I guess it was nerdcore since he talked about social networking, but I could kinda feel from the crowd that as an opener he was a little lack luster.
My Parents Favorite Music
So you have a guy with a green mohawk and beard, rhyming over Zelda lyrics about the harshness of life. These guys had so much energy and you could tell they really like what they do and just want to share it with people. I bought their album Testing the Waters, has barely left my CD player. Scope em on MySpace
Devo Spice
Very entertaining, I was talking to some merch people while he was on so I missed a few songs, very good rapper none the less.
Captain Dan
Rapping Pirates. Yep there is an extra p in there, not what you would expect, kind of against the grain :-P. Awesome lyrics and style. Talked with him and his wife several times through Saturday, very awesome people.
Marc with a C
Sadly another one that I missed, this time from eating. Protip: Dont plan on going anywhere for food in that tourist trap hell.
Listening to his stuff online, very good music and he is a local.
Scrub Club
This was an act I was NOT going to miss. They were the subject of much discussion the entire day, some were saying that they were the next up and coming group in nerdcore, this was important considering Mc Lars' blog about the death of nerdcore. Well guess who was right beside me in the front row...Mc Lars.
Fantastic flow, lyrics, beats, high energy rappers who were laying down mad fucking rhymes. Only complaint was that Kabuto (wearing a Guy Fawkes mask) was all but inaudible.
Are they the next big thing in nerdcore? I dont know but its going to be smart to check these guys out.
Spork and HDNinja
After Scrub Club I chilled towards the back to drink up the free Vitamin Water and cool off so I wasnt front row, but they sound was really tight and smooth.
Krondor Krew
I fully expected a battle between these guys and Captain Dan, why? They are fucking NINJAS!
Awesome costumes, though I wish I could have gotten better pictures. Fast hyped rhymes that just make you want to move.
Epic-1
Other than Hamstar and maybe Zealous1, Epic-1 was the best at free styling. I want able to get any videos of this but Im sure some will be posted on youtube very soon.
The Megas
Rock...Megaman, its like peanut butter and bananas. The sound seemed a little off though, it was a problem that was persistent with a lot of acts but with fast guitar and heavy drums it just made it more noticeable.
I Fight Dragons
One of the most hyped acts of the entire night, crazy sound equipment that was connected to a track and field pad, Nintendo powerpads and controllers...and I fucking missed it!
The hotel I was staying at had a 3am check in limit and I was really looking forward to some after parties. The hotel was .75 miles away...took me 45 minutes because of traffic on I-Drive, so pissed for real.
YTCracker, MC Lars & MC Frontalot
While technically 3 different acts, they each back one another up on several songs so there really wasnt a clear ending point between them.
I was lucky enough to see this Trio in Jacksonville last year, when I heard that Lars and YT were booked for Nerdapalooza I knew what to expect. And they destroyed the stage, in a good way.
YT with his hard lyrics and high energy were only diminished a little by his stage partner who was high as a kite and fucked up some lyrics.
MC Lars catchy Post Punk Laptop Rap had everyone moving their asses and screaming their lungs out.
MC Frontalot. Without him the genre wouldnt have a name. His rhymes and music range from the fast paced Tongue Clucking Grammarian to the chill yet disturbing Yellow Lasers. A very mellow end to the night musically, especially after YT and Lars.
Saturday came to an end, we were all tired, hungry, sweaty and pumped. I wound up eating at IHOP with MC Lars, DJ, Maja, Mike Rousso, Eric and Angel, great night, a crazy ass waitress and CPs galore. Took us 10 minutes to get seating, 45 to get our food, 20 to eat, 20 to escape, good times.
Got back to the Holiday Inn and headed upstairs, Eric and Angel had to part ways since they were only 20. I wasnt able to stay long, it was already approaching 5 in the morning and check out at my hotel was 11. Was able to catch some amazing free styling with MC Lars, Hamstar, Epic-1, Zealous1 and Maja.
I'll be posting the events from Sunday shortly, right now I gotta get some food.
They arent even trying anymore.
I regularly check my spam folder and see what kind of crazy garbled messages I get trying to get me to buy Cialis or Viagra or some "herbal" variation there of.
I really want to know how these people are getting information on my penis size, but they need to check their sources...ladies.
I was planning on posting a best off list of the craziest random string of words. That was until today, I open 1(!) email and it has this, its a list of....stuff..all one big hyperlink to a Canadian pharmacy. I'm telling you, dont trust anyone from Canadia.
found van hurtle carve!
coccus wean cupel hurtle?
spawn spawn gullet.
diet missus satire douse!
eddish hong spawn pact.
pigsty cuboid spongy satire?
scree scry spun natter.
poker maroon.
buckle satire hotel.
purist spawn spun clave!
haul emir rested.
grain carve.
splay barret thieve glossy!
alight yore kino.
educe did splay womb?
holly missus alight.
spawn beady clave maxima.
missus sorb.
sundae haul van foster?
diet beady spawn yap?
did brown missus found?
purist womb wean missus!
hotel smarm meshy holly?
sudsy purist dare.
hut foam cuboid cupel!
oxtail delve cuboid page?
forum womb page haul.
cuboid womb pact brown?
cobweb oxtail.
cupel haul splay delve!
meshy coccus whisht whisht!
coccus creep maxima sneak?
hotel foam haul yore!
yore eocene.
vein womb purist whisht.
rested beady purist womb.
deary poker hurtle.
glossy diet.
maxima wean hut.
maroon brown hong payoff!
did pigsty foster.
haul carp mucous foster.
crump maroon.
rested uppish.
uppish filet carp carve!
dare sudsy pigsty kino.
grouch racing.
eocene locus kino.
maroon grouch haul rasper!
whisht glossy.
spawn missus cupel eddish!
crump coccus basque cuboid?
uppish spongy vizier cobweb?
remark racing meshy grain?
satire pigsty helmet carp.
beady vizier douse womb.
educe beady cobweb.
emir borer escort eocene?
august spawn.
maroon kino.
haul clave rested yore.
payoff cobweb sleazy emir?
whisht maxima.
alibi buckle remark.
educe oxtail hut.
gullet crump foster coccus!
dare clave thieve yore?
spongy rested mucous.
beady spawn sorb glossy?
filet remark.
satire uppish hut.
hong yore buckle.
purist scree holly beady?
hotel pigsty diet.
brown maxima.
missus gullet eddish helmet?
drag rasper carve august?
clave glossy.
purist missus dare diet.
cupel locus glossy foster.
missus ablaze.
glossy elves douse vizier.
spawn drag wean.
gullet funk rested uppish.
dare reeky douse.
glossy hong remark dare?
foster dirge.
diet grouch bade dare.
diet borer barret maxima!
escort hong.
remark deary.
scree glossy.
natter wean escort foster!
sleazy splay.
oxtail hurtle.
oxtail rasper clave hong?
What The Fuck?!
So here I am working at the Liquor store, its just before noon so its still pretty slow a normal Friday morning...at least I thought.
Here in Putnam County Florida we have some crazies, we have some real crazies, like George Lucas crazy...
A guy comes in, normal looking guy mid 40s maybe, asks for a half gallon of cheap dark run, normal so far. I ring it up, he hands me a card, I ask him cash to credit, he says credit. He quips that I should know better, no one has any money, we are still in the Bush recovery time. I chuckle because I thought it was funny, he asks if I voted for Obama I said yes, because I did.
He said he met him, I thought that was cool and not impossible Obama did do several stops in Florida. He said then that Obama has gone to his house in Hastings...bullshit meter rising. Then all hell breaks loose.
Let me summarize this because there is way too much crazy:
1) George Bush was really stripped of power on June 21st of last year but it wasnt revealed because of the economic meltdown...which I dont think happened until a few months later.
2) Obama was almost assassinated at this guys house...in Hastings...
3) It was ordered by Bush and Cheney and executed by over 200 Delta Force soldiers.
4) This guy dropped 6 secret service guys when he tried to warn them.
5) Over 20 secret service agents died in the firefight that soon ensued.
6) Obama picked up a rifle and dropped 15 or more of the Delta Force assassin squad.
7) We have been at DEFCON 2 at least 200 times since June of last year.
8) The country is actually in control of someone else and the world is ready to blow itself up over it.
9) That man is him!!!!!
Update:10) He is also the one that converted Obama to christianity and made him tone down his seeming arrogance.
This went on for like 15 minutes or more until the guy finally said "You think it's bullshit dont you?" And he walked out and back towards the next door fruit market.
What...the...fuck?!
RIP Loud as Hell Man
"TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead today in his home in Tampa, Florida early this morning.
According to the Tampa PD, the 50-year-old TV pitchman was found unresponsive by his wife Deborah at 7:45 AM.
Mays had just returned from Philadelphia, where he shot a new OxiClean commercial. He was a passenger aboard a plane that suffered a blown front tire upon landing. He told a local TV station, "All of a sudden as we hit you know it was just the hardest hit, all the things from the ceiling started dropping. It hit me on the head, but I got a hard head."
We're told Mays was at his home around 6:00 PM last night, and according to a source Mays was "acting fine and normal ... he was talking business with his father-in-law."
According to cops, there are no signs of forced entry to the residence and no foul play is suspected.
The Medical Examiner's office is expected to complete the autopsy by tomorrow afternoon.
Billy's wife Deborah just released the following statement:
Although Billy lived a public life, we don't anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times. "
No more late night infomercials, no more oxyclean, no more funny videos of him ordering drive thru, Im a mix of emotions right now.
Any guesses on who is next?
UPDATE: The FAA is reporting that during the rough landing, that caused Billy Mays to get knocked on the head by luggage, he was not wearing a seatbelt. How that would have stopped him from getting knocked on the head I dont know but it seems like they are scrambling to not get blamed.
Revenge of The Fallen - fanboy review
I wrote it from the perspective of the everyman, the target audience of 14-35 year old males that like to see things go boom and hear naughty words. Apparently people want to hear it straight dope so here it goes.
This movie was a fucking mockery of Transformers, an anally raped bastardization of something that is held very dear to the hearts of millions that grew up in the 80s and early 90s. Michael Bay can eat a dick and choke on the chunky semen that flows forth.
I dont care if Sam is going to cheat on Mikaela, I really dont give a flying fuck if she is afraid their long distance relationship isnt going to work, it doesnt fucking matter to ANYONE.
All Skidz and Mudflap needed was some Robo-Watermelon and some Cybertronian Purple Drank to make their fucking stereotypes complete. They are worse than Jazz in the racists department. At least Jazz didnt have GOLD FUCKING TEETH. I swear to Primus I wanted to kill them so bad.
THEY GAVE DEVASTATOR BALLS...thats right, they gave the most badass villian in the entirity of Transformers a swinging ballsack in the form of wrecking balls. It would have been ok if there was just a glimpse and it was never mentioned, like a small inside joke similar to the priest getting a hard on in The Little Mermaid. NO! They have to point it out "Im directly beneath the target's scrotum!" I shit you not...thats a line in the god damned movie.
There are like 20 decepticons in this movie, but do you ever hear any of their names, FUCK NO! People dont care about name they just want "pew pew boom boom whoosh bang bang bang." If it wasnt for looking at the toy line I wouldnt have know the satellite was Soundwave! At least they worked Frank Welker into this one.
The fight scene at the end is anticlimactic. With 2.5 hours to work inside of you would think they could have some insightful dialogue, some character development, maybe some convincing backstory, nope no time for that elitist intelligencia bullshit, bring on the explosions! Hey Optimus takes some of JetFire's parts becomes badass and wipes out everyone in 2 fucking minutes! CUT PRINT ROLL CREDITS!
The movie sucks, its horrible, dont waste you damn time to see it unless you are a mouth breathing frat boy who likes hearing robots say "Bitch ass punk" or seeing a mini-con hump a chicks leg, or you are some retard with TruckNutz on your car, you'll laugh your ass off at dog humping, robo-dick and giant swinging testicles.
I fucking hate Michael Bay. I know I have said it a few times, but it bears repeating. He is a fucking moron who should not EVER be allowed near a director's chair. He is a hack who needs to be censured and removed from Hollywood. Dont ever see one of his films, its only going to disappoint you as long as you have an IQ above Peter Griffin's. Just stay away from his mind poison, it only makes you dumber....
I wish I could find the South Park clip but this will have to do:
Someone please stop this man before he puts rocket launchers on My Little Pony.
So there you have it, my take on Transformers from someone who actually gives a damn about Transformers. I want to strangle everyone that had anything to do with this movie except the voice actors....except for the ones that did the Twins, they die twice.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
I hate Michael Bay. I really really do. He is a hack director who tries to make up for his unoriginality by throwing in more pyrotechnics. He doesnt know the first thing about Transformers and was one of the worst choices for this franchise.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was a surprisingly good movie.
Most of the characters made a return (Sorry NSA nerds, no room for you). Shia LeBouf returns as Sam Witwicky, the unintentional hero of the films. Megan Fox returns as the eye candy who except for hotwiring a car doesnt really do much for the story line. Josh Duhamel's Capt Lennox really deserved more screentime, Tyrese the same. John Tuturro again provides some comic relief though at time he feel like a parody, he is now joined by Ramon Rodriguez playing Leo, Sam's roommate and conspiracy nut who is the first to start screaming when a rocket lands.
Im going to avoid spoilers as much as possible but they might slip in, this is your warning.
The story starts off 2 years after the events of the first movie, the Autobots are working with the US govt to stop the remaining Decepticons from find the remaining shard of the Allspark, everything is kept from the public because, as everyone know, we really wouldnt be able to handle badass robots on our planet.
Sam is trying to live a normal life by going to college, as he is packing clothes he discovers another sliver of the allspark that shoots beams into his brain causing him to see symbols like his great grandfather did. This is the main driving force behind the story, in the first movie they were after the glasses that were etched, in this one they are going after Sam brain a la Johnny Mnemonic.
As a long time Transformers fan there is a real tear jerking moment, I'll admit it, I cried a little. You just have to see it.
The main villian in this film is The Fallen. One of the original transformers who rebelled against his bretheren and was banished. Megatron is his disciple, kind of a Palapatine/Vader relationship it seems. The Fallen is after a long lost artifact that was left on Earth long ago by explorers and the symbols Sam sees are a map.
The story line is decent although lacking in certain areas. In my opinion you could remove Shia, give all of his lines and actions to Josh Duhamel and the movie would be a bit more concise. The awkward romance that was attempted really just took up 10-15 minutes of screen time that dont really drive the story. Yes I know it shows part of the human condition that everyone is trying to protect, but this is being marketed to tweens and long time fans that want to see robot action.
Sam does a lot of running, ducking, and telling others to run and duck. Mikaela does the same but more in slow motion to accent her jiggly bits. Leo screams alot and Simmons over dramatizes everything but in a good way.
The action sequences are animated well and the physics look great, some over use of slow motion and explosions but this is Bay we are dealing with. My main gripe with the robot fighting is that, with few exceptions, all of the decepticons look the same. Matte Silver with sharp points, when they call in backups you really cant tell who is who. Sure in the credits they are given names to list the voice actors but they are never mentioned on screens so its up to you to guess.
Towards the end it seemed like some of the CGI was rushed, it just looked too bright for the setting and the events going on at the time. And a scene where a small robot is on Sam it definately looks like the animation wasnt matching his facial movements.
Overall this film was better than I expected. If you can get past the forced humor (blender robo dick and chihuahua humping), the awkward romance (you say it first, no, you say it first) and some gratuitous Michael Bay explosions (they make everything better), this film is a great summer action flick. It was a great follow up to the 2007 movie and it does leave it open to a continuation of the franchise. It was reported a year ago that Peter Cullen signed a 3 movie deal so we can probably expect the third installment in 2011.
Pissing yourself and licking bear shit.
You wrote Ghostbusters for fucks sake..AND Ghostbusters 2. You are a damn genius when it comes to wit and humor and you give me this pile of feces?
Year One is by far one of the worst movies I have ever seen, through its entire run I didnt laugh once, not ONCE. Normally I love dick and fart jokes, I missed that stage of developement when they ceased to be funny, if someone cuts one, I laugh hysterically. Somehow this movie took that away from me.
Maybe I was expecting too much, maybe I thought the all star cast of comedians would make me laugh, if that is asking too much then I apologize.
Jack Black was so disappointing, his character basically tries to fuck anything that moves and gets by on dumb luck.
Michael Cera plays the role he always plays.
The women are just there for eye candy and have no depth to them whatsoever.
Only some of the background characters are worth anything, Cain (David Cross) has his moments as a psychopath trying not to get blamed for his brothers murder. The High Priest (Oliver Platt) is pretty good as a hedonistic, homosexual, pedophilic holy man, his time on screen was the only thing that got a small chuckle from me.
There is no story line, just incoherent transitions from one poorly written and executed joke to the next. There is no humor, just shock joke, like the eponymous pissing on yourself and eating bear shit, literally the bear shit joke goes on for 2 minutes too long.
The other 8 or so people in the theater with me were thinking the same exact thing. This movie wasnt funny, it wasnt clever, and Im not sure who thought it would be a good idea to make.
If you were planning on seeing this movie, dont. Unless you are a functional retard, then you might get a laugh or two. Just dont go in expecting Old School or Airheads, you will just want to kill yourself.
What are they doing to my childhood?
The original Transformers movie from 1986 was Epic on so many levels.
First there was the story, they fucking killed Prime in the first 20 minutes. It made an entire generation of little boys cry and I still get misty eyed when it happens, you have a heart of stone if you dont.
The animation was super smooth and vibrant, it was everything that you wanted a Transformers movie to be.
The soundtrack...nothing but 80's guitar rock, hair metal, and fast drums that kicked you in the ass, got you pumped up and asking for more, it was amazing, it fit perfectly and there was one song that stood out above the rest.
Stan Bush - The Touch
It was inspiring in a cheesy way, it was kid friendly and parent approved and it just worked with the story. So when I heard that this song was going to be in the new movie I thought, hellz yeah. Maybe they will make it one of the songs that bumblebee uses to talk with, since for some reason his voice box is still broken, or maybe they will use it as an inside joke like they did with GnR in Terminator.
Nope, they are using it in the main soundtrack, WOOOOOOO...wait...whats the catch? Yeah, there is a catch, it has been nu-metalized. It has been updated, modified and hipped up...and they fucked it up royally. So allow me to show you the next part in the continuing bastardization and raping of my childhood.
Im sorry children of the 80s.
Michael Bay is a bad bad man.
New Movies - Initial Thoughts
Avatar: The Last Airbender
I never really got into the animated series, my girlfriend has it all on DVD so maybe I will catch up before this comes out.
This teaser looks pretty good, and from the 2 seconds that I see the actor, he looks pretty close to the character from the show. Looks like his hair is buzzed into an arrow rather than it being a tattoo on his head but it could have just been the lighting.
There is one glaring problem with this film that I see. The director. M. Night Shyamalan.
There are some people that see him as visionary, think he does great work that makes you think about the movie as a whole....bullshit. He did a couple of awesome movies, Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense, after that it was like his sanity went into free fall. His other movies are either so obvious you see it after 30 minutes in or the twist is so ridiculous you wonder how it was greenlit by the studio.
I see this movie going one of two ways. First, it finishes the story line neatly, answers questions that fans of the show have had and provides the grand finale people have waited for.
Or....
Ang is really a space alien from an alternate dimension who was sent here in the guise of the avatar to manipulate world events so his species can control the elements and gain total domination, the only way to stop him is for his element bending friends to find the true last airbender, call for Captain Planet and stop Evil Ang from calling the other Xyboids into this demension.
If you really think about it, it's a toss up.
Ponyo
Trailer Here
I'm a huge Miyazaki Fan, and once again an all star cast is called together for the US release of his next epic.
But...Miyazaki has more of a cult following than anything in the US.
Is he a great director? Yes
Are his films loved my millions all over the world? Yes
Am I going to see this movie the day it comes out? Fuck yeah
Will the Majority of the US enjoy this film and understand its deeper meaning? Fuck NO!
Miyazaki is a thinking man's director. He uses amazing visuals and compelling characters to teach you something. Generally it is about keeping the world clean and livable, Nausicaa, Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, etc. When you walk out after seeing one of these films you want to drop kick the next person you see tossing a can on the sidewalk, he is that good.
Though he is considered one of the best filmmakers in the world inside the US, other than some long time fans and convention goers, he is unknown. Depsite his Academy Award, despite his awe inspiring works, despite his sheer awesomeness, more people know McG than Miyazaki, and that makes me a sad Totoro.
This film looks great visually, it looks meaningful and insightful, I just with more people would see it than I know actually will. I have a feeling the majority of those over the age of 20 that see it are going to be dragged to it by their kids because the characters look cute. That just a fact.
So those are my initial thoughts on these two films. As new trailers come out I will be giving my opinions to the masses.
Tonight I will be seeing Transformers 2, expect a full review with as few spoilers as I can sometime in the early AM.
Transformers Sneak Clip
Now...where do I start...
I think the blender was shooting bullets from his robo-dick...
I dont really know what more I can say.
I fucking hate you Michael Bay, with all my heart, I fucking hate you.
At least there wasnt shameless product placement this time, Im talking to you xbot360 and CocaCotron!
Damn I fucking hate Michael Bay.
Ghostbusters - Final Thoughts
Do you see my problem?
The game was far too short. Yes the story line flowed, it was coherent, concise, and well written.
Which is great for a movie, not so much a game.
There are no sidequests, I was able to purchase all the upgrades midway through the game. If I played through it again, even on professional it would only take me a few hours.
Dont get me wrong, I was enthralled with the story line, I really felt like I was part of the action and there were some times when the game really creeped me out. I loved it to no end...I just hate that it had an end.
Many people will tell me that the multiplayer gives the game a longer life, and thats true, but right now my xbox has a busted ethernet port so I cant get onto xbox live, and my work schedule is so erratic and different from my friends that I wouldnt be able to play with them anyway. And I dont do random games, I fucking hate 14 year olds.
If you play on xbox live all the time and have a steady group of people to play with, buy this game NOW. If you are more of a casual person who doesnt have a lot of playtime or doesnt play games on line, rent this. In either case you are making a solid investment.
As a side know, anyone want to buy a copy of Ghostbusters?
Ghostbusters on the 360 Review
So I picked up my copy of Ghostbusters on the Xbox 360 yesterday. I havent completely finished the game but I have played enough to get a good feel for the game without potentially spoiling anything.
When you start the game you are introduced as a new ghostbusters recruit and you are instructed to try out some new equipment. Slimer escapes and that leads you to your tutorial on ghost busting.
The character models are spectacular. There are some animation sync issues with voices at times but only if you are looking for that kind of thing. The movements for the most part seem natural, when they arent you can tell its being used for comic effect. The voice acting doesnt even need to be talked about, its all the original actors back in their roles. The only exceptions are Rick Moranis and Sigourney Weaver who I believe are totally absent in this game. *sad face*
The controls take a few minutes to get used to as you have several different types of beams you can use with your proton pack. You have your proton beam, your capture beam, your stasis beam, your slime blower, your slime tether and a couple others that I cant remember right now, ill edit later.
Catching ghost is pretty straight forward, you wear them down with your proton pack, it then automatically changes to your capture beam which allows you to wrangle the ghost. It can be a little trick to get the ghost over a trap you have set down, it takes a lot of control stick tapping to get them in just the right position. You do have a Slam ability, normally it will just slam the ghost into the ground, or if you hold the control stick in a direction it slings the ghost in that direction.
Other ghosts arent captured, you just blow them up. These normally arent ghost but animated objects or possessed creatures. They blow up real nice.
The game isnt perfect though.
Right off, I would have liked to have been able to customize my characters appearance. The character model is somewhat generic, even just the hair color would have been acceptable. Instead you look like a mix between Ray and Peter, only skinnier.
Should you fail a mission, normally by getting pelted by small flying ghosts that can be a pain to aim at, the wait time to load your last checkpoint seems uneccessarily long. My average wait time for this was 30 seconds to a minute. At least you hear some good ghostbusters music and you are shown art for the proton pack as well as some game tips. Its still a long wait though.
Also some of the transitions from gameplay to cutscenes are somewhat abrupt, its a minor point but it kinda irked me.
There have been reports of screen tearing in the game, I havent noticed any graphical glitches in my copy so maybe it was the demo copies that had this problem.
Overall I would say this game is definately worth your time. Its fun, its funny, its actually scary, and you get to play as a freaking ghostbuster!
Yes I did say the game was scary. At times you have to wear your PKE helmet to locate ghosts and hidden items, its nightvision like with creepy sounds and beeps, then BAM a ghost busts out of a painting right in front of your face. The low lighting in building hallways also adds to the effect, narrow, flickering lights, skittering candlesticks....*shudder* Its not as scary as say, Silent Hill 2 or Fatal Frame: Crimson Butterfly, but there were a few hair raising moments.
Even if you arent a fan, this game is a decent FPS. There really arent any platform elements except for moving some items with your capture beam.
Graphics: 8/10
Gameplay: 7/10
Replay value: Depends on how much you like acheivements.
Overall: 8/10
Why do bad things happen to good people?
If there were is a god, the one described by christians, the all knowing, all caring, all compassionate god, he really needs to step the fuck up and do his job.
From an outside observer, god really is a dick. If a normal person did the things that god has done, he would be executed. He would be tried, convicted and put in the electric chair, and saying "God...I mean me...told me...I mean God, to do it." Might work a bit on an insanity plea....but he would still get fried.
God has a confirmed kill count of 33million, 33mil counts of cold, calculated, murder. These people didnt die of natural causes, last time i checked brimstone shooting from the sky isnt natural, these people were murdered by God. This includes the great flood, where only Noah and his close family were spared and all other humans were drowned. Ya know what they say, cousins make dozens! Bow chika wow wow.
He was genocidal, smiting all of the ethiopians, 2 chr 14:9-14. There was a war going on, one side asked god for help and god fucking killed a million people for them...just because they asked...
So God will kill a million people for you, but you arent winning the lottery, sorry folks not the way the skywizard works.
Those are some of the more harsh criticisms, but now id like to move on to some more minor things.
As this post is titled, Why do bad things happen to good people? If you ask a christian they will probably tell you that bad times are challenges given to you by god to ensure that you remain faithful to him...basically, god is really insecure and has to be a dick to you to make sure that no matter what he does to you, you will still love him. Hell he completely ruined Job's life just to prove a point.
That would be like a guy killing his girlfriends cat, raping her dog and burning down her house just to see if she will still love him, and when she doesnt, he kills her because she was unfaithful, and you cant refute that argument, its damn near the exact same thought process. God = Psychotic boyfriend/cult leader.
Fossils...yep im going there...fossils. Most people, no matter their religious affiliation or lack there of, know that the world is old, that dinosaurs were real, and that fossils prove that. BUT, there are some who say that the world is not old, dinosaurs lived at the same time as humans and fossil dates come up really old because once again God is testing our faith...where to start...
So apparently, God knew that some time in the future we would realize that carbon 14 and other isotopes decay at a steady rate, that measuring the amount of these elements we would be able to determine the age of things, and to fool us, he put WAY more of these isotopes into things so we would think they are really old instead of believing ideas from bronze age nomads...makes sense to me, put that shit in some science books and call it a day, give it the Old Testament seal of approval and get those kids out in the fields of Theological Archaeology.
You people want to know the truth? The honest to
There is no god, if there was he quit caring a long time ago and has moved on...probably to Miami.The earth is really really fucking old, the solar system is even older, and the universe is super ultra fucking old.Humans evolved from lower animals, before you start the whole "I didnt come from no monkey," following which you scratch your ass and smell it, read a book, a science book, an evolutionary science book. You are right, we didnt come from monkeys, but monkeys and humans came from the same common ancestor.
We dont know exactly how the universe started, but instead of shouting SKYWIZARD!!!! we keep asking and looking into the skies for the answers instead of sticking our head in the sand and pretending everything is going to be ok no matter what.
Bad things happen because bad things just happen, there is no reason for it, there is no grand plan for life, shit just happens. Praying isnt going to make it go away, thought it might calm you down to preserve your sanity. The best you can do is trudge through it and do the best you can. Its not what most people want to hear, but if God answered prayers, either there would be world peace, or the world would have been blown up a long time ago.
There isnt an afterlife. Even if there was, you probably dont really want it. Everyone says that when you die and you go to heaven you are there for all of eternity with God. Do you have any idea how horribly boring that would be?
500 maybe a 1000 years wouldnt be so bad, you could read a shitload of books, see a shitload of movies and talk with all the really dead famous people. But after that, say in a few billion years when the sun burns out, when there are no more people coming to heaven, there are no more new stories or books or movies, you have nothing. You get to sit there with all the people you already know everything about, who are probably starting to annoy you...FOREVER. Not normal forever where a dinner date goes really bad and you want to get away, this is true forever, for infinity years if you believe in it. You would have trillions of people, all going completely stir crazy and no amount of foozball is gonna keep them occupied because by then, everyone would know how to do the trick shots.
This is the only life you have, make the most of it. Enjoy your life and dont be a dick.
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