The review of TF2 that I posted yesterday has caused me some grief.
I wrote it from the perspective of the everyman, the target audience of 14-35 year old males that like to see things go boom and hear naughty words. Apparently people want to hear it straight dope so here it goes.
This movie was a fucking mockery of Transformers, an anally raped bastardization of something that is held very dear to the hearts of millions that grew up in the 80s and early 90s. Michael Bay can eat a dick and choke on the chunky semen that flows forth.
I dont care if Sam is going to cheat on Mikaela, I really dont give a flying fuck if she is afraid their long distance relationship isnt going to work, it doesnt fucking matter to ANYONE.
All Skidz and Mudflap needed was some Robo-Watermelon and some Cybertronian Purple Drank to make their fucking stereotypes complete. They are worse than Jazz in the racists department. At least Jazz didnt have GOLD FUCKING TEETH. I swear to Primus I wanted to kill them so bad.
THEY GAVE DEVASTATOR BALLS...thats right, they gave the most badass villian in the entirity of Transformers a swinging ballsack in the form of wrecking balls. It would have been ok if there was just a glimpse and it was never mentioned, like a small inside joke similar to the priest getting a hard on in The Little Mermaid. NO! They have to point it out "Im directly beneath the target's scrotum!" I shit you not...thats a line in the god damned movie.
There are like 20 decepticons in this movie, but do you ever hear any of their names, FUCK NO! People dont care about name they just want "pew pew boom boom whoosh bang bang bang." If it wasnt for looking at the toy line I wouldnt have know the satellite was Soundwave! At least they worked Frank Welker into this one.
The fight scene at the end is anticlimactic. With 2.5 hours to work inside of you would think they could have some insightful dialogue, some character development, maybe some convincing backstory, nope no time for that elitist intelligencia bullshit, bring on the explosions! Hey Optimus takes some of JetFire's parts becomes badass and wipes out everyone in 2 fucking minutes! CUT PRINT ROLL CREDITS!
The movie sucks, its horrible, dont waste you damn time to see it unless you are a mouth breathing frat boy who likes hearing robots say "Bitch ass punk" or seeing a mini-con hump a chicks leg, or you are some retard with TruckNutz on your car, you'll laugh your ass off at dog humping, robo-dick and giant swinging testicles.
I fucking hate Michael Bay. I know I have said it a few times, but it bears repeating. He is a fucking moron who should not EVER be allowed near a director's chair. He is a hack who needs to be censured and removed from Hollywood. Dont ever see one of his films, its only going to disappoint you as long as you have an IQ above Peter Griffin's. Just stay away from his mind poison, it only makes you dumber....
I wish I could find the South Park clip but this will have to do:
Someone please stop this man before he puts rocket launchers on My Little Pony.
So there you have it, my take on Transformers from someone who actually gives a damn about Transformers. I want to strangle everyone that had anything to do with this movie except the voice actors....except for the ones that did the Twins, they die twice.
I wrote it from the perspective of the everyman, the target audience of 14-35 year old males that like to see things go boom and hear naughty words. Apparently people want to hear it straight dope so here it goes.
This movie was a fucking mockery of Transformers, an anally raped bastardization of something that is held very dear to the hearts of millions that grew up in the 80s and early 90s. Michael Bay can eat a dick and choke on the chunky semen that flows forth.
I dont care if Sam is going to cheat on Mikaela, I really dont give a flying fuck if she is afraid their long distance relationship isnt going to work, it doesnt fucking matter to ANYONE.
All Skidz and Mudflap needed was some Robo-Watermelon and some Cybertronian Purple Drank to make their fucking stereotypes complete. They are worse than Jazz in the racists department. At least Jazz didnt have GOLD FUCKING TEETH. I swear to Primus I wanted to kill them so bad.
THEY GAVE DEVASTATOR BALLS...thats right, they gave the most badass villian in the entirity of Transformers a swinging ballsack in the form of wrecking balls. It would have been ok if there was just a glimpse and it was never mentioned, like a small inside joke similar to the priest getting a hard on in The Little Mermaid. NO! They have to point it out "Im directly beneath the target's scrotum!" I shit you not...thats a line in the god damned movie.
There are like 20 decepticons in this movie, but do you ever hear any of their names, FUCK NO! People dont care about name they just want "pew pew boom boom whoosh bang bang bang." If it wasnt for looking at the toy line I wouldnt have know the satellite was Soundwave! At least they worked Frank Welker into this one.
The fight scene at the end is anticlimactic. With 2.5 hours to work inside of you would think they could have some insightful dialogue, some character development, maybe some convincing backstory, nope no time for that elitist intelligencia bullshit, bring on the explosions! Hey Optimus takes some of JetFire's parts becomes badass and wipes out everyone in 2 fucking minutes! CUT PRINT ROLL CREDITS!
The movie sucks, its horrible, dont waste you damn time to see it unless you are a mouth breathing frat boy who likes hearing robots say "Bitch ass punk" or seeing a mini-con hump a chicks leg, or you are some retard with TruckNutz on your car, you'll laugh your ass off at dog humping, robo-dick and giant swinging testicles.
I fucking hate Michael Bay. I know I have said it a few times, but it bears repeating. He is a fucking moron who should not EVER be allowed near a director's chair. He is a hack who needs to be censured and removed from Hollywood. Dont ever see one of his films, its only going to disappoint you as long as you have an IQ above Peter Griffin's. Just stay away from his mind poison, it only makes you dumber....
I wish I could find the South Park clip but this will have to do:
Someone please stop this man before he puts rocket launchers on My Little Pony.
So there you have it, my take on Transformers from someone who actually gives a damn about Transformers. I want to strangle everyone that had anything to do with this movie except the voice actors....except for the ones that did the Twins, they die twice.
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