District 9 is a movie that I was unsure about. I didn't watch all the teaser trailers or read any spoilers, to be honest I didn't really care enough about the movie to look into it. I'm very glad I let myself be surprised.
**Spoilers to follow, this is your alert**
The movie starts documentary style, we are introduced to Wickus, a low level paper pusher for MNU, a company that does....stuff. Stuff ranging from serving eviction notices to extra-terrestrials to military weapons manufacturing to mercenary employment.
20 years ago an alien mothership settled over Johannesburg, South Africa. After cutting through the hull of the ship over 1 million aliens were discovered living inside in a state of near death. Since the world was watching live they decided to move then into a special "resettlement camp" known as District 9. Because people are dicks, the aliens (derogatorily called prawns) aren't trusted and it becomes a prison camp, complete with weapon deals, food gouging and inter species prostitution...yeah that's right, gettin' freakay with ET!
Anyways, the aliens dont really like it here and they want to go home. One alien, named Christopher for some reason, is scrounging a special fluid that is used in their technology in hopes of powering a shuttle that is hidden below his shack. Just as he gathers enough Wickus arrives to serve the eviction notice, legally needed so they can move the prawns to a new camp 200 miles away.
Wickus examines the canister the fluid was gathered in and it sprays him in the face, causing him to start changing into a prawn. The military wants him because only prawns can use their weaponry as its DNA coded. The Nigerians want him because they think eating prawns will give them more power. The prawns want him because he knows where canister is. Wickus just wants to go the fuck home and get his arm back to normal.
So somehow Wickus and Christopher storm into MNU headquarters, blast the fuck out of heavily armed guards, get into the high-sec lab, steal the canister and make it out without being killed but the large mercenary force MNU hired to make sure the eviction process went smoothly. Wickus starts feeling sorry for the aliens he had been such a dick to, double crosses Christopher, then feels bad about it since he crashed the damn shuttle, takes control of an alien mech and kicks some major ass.
**End Spoilers**
This move was pretty damn good, and I don't say that often. Sure there were some parts where you scratch your head and think "Why the fuck didn't they just die?!"
This was not an action movie, it was not a mockumentary, it was not even a sci-fi movie really. This was a thinking movie, a movie that makes you look into its deeper meaning and take the idea of the movie and overlay it with real life.
There was a reason this movie was set in South Africa, it basically showed apartheid but in reverse. This time it was the native Africans abusing and controlling those they saw as a lesser species. It showed how humans are so quick to turn on other species if they see a benefit. And it showed how its easy to flaunt your power, until you are on the other side.
Its a touching movie with a deep meaning. I would recommend you see this while it is still in theaters. Since it isn't Disney and they use the word Fuck...a lot, it won't have a Titanic length run.
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label movies. Show all posts
District 9 OR Damn, humans are dicks!
Revenge of The Fallen - fanboy review
The review of TF2 that I posted yesterday has caused me some grief.
I wrote it from the perspective of the everyman, the target audience of 14-35 year old males that like to see things go boom and hear naughty words. Apparently people want to hear it straight dope so here it goes.
This movie was a fucking mockery of Transformers, an anally raped bastardization of something that is held very dear to the hearts of millions that grew up in the 80s and early 90s. Michael Bay can eat a dick and choke on the chunky semen that flows forth.
I dont care if Sam is going to cheat on Mikaela, I really dont give a flying fuck if she is afraid their long distance relationship isnt going to work, it doesnt fucking matter to ANYONE.
All Skidz and Mudflap needed was some Robo-Watermelon and some Cybertronian Purple Drank to make their fucking stereotypes complete. They are worse than Jazz in the racists department. At least Jazz didnt have GOLD FUCKING TEETH. I swear to Primus I wanted to kill them so bad.
THEY GAVE DEVASTATOR BALLS...thats right, they gave the most badass villian in the entirity of Transformers a swinging ballsack in the form of wrecking balls. It would have been ok if there was just a glimpse and it was never mentioned, like a small inside joke similar to the priest getting a hard on in The Little Mermaid. NO! They have to point it out "Im directly beneath the target's scrotum!" I shit you not...thats a line in the god damned movie.
There are like 20 decepticons in this movie, but do you ever hear any of their names, FUCK NO! People dont care about name they just want "pew pew boom boom whoosh bang bang bang." If it wasnt for looking at the toy line I wouldnt have know the satellite was Soundwave! At least they worked Frank Welker into this one.
The fight scene at the end is anticlimactic. With 2.5 hours to work inside of you would think they could have some insightful dialogue, some character development, maybe some convincing backstory, nope no time for that elitist intelligencia bullshit, bring on the explosions! Hey Optimus takes some of JetFire's parts becomes badass and wipes out everyone in 2 fucking minutes! CUT PRINT ROLL CREDITS!
The movie sucks, its horrible, dont waste you damn time to see it unless you are a mouth breathing frat boy who likes hearing robots say "Bitch ass punk" or seeing a mini-con hump a chicks leg, or you are some retard with TruckNutz on your car, you'll laugh your ass off at dog humping, robo-dick and giant swinging testicles.
I fucking hate Michael Bay. I know I have said it a few times, but it bears repeating. He is a fucking moron who should not EVER be allowed near a director's chair. He is a hack who needs to be censured and removed from Hollywood. Dont ever see one of his films, its only going to disappoint you as long as you have an IQ above Peter Griffin's. Just stay away from his mind poison, it only makes you dumber....
I wish I could find the South Park clip but this will have to do:
Someone please stop this man before he puts rocket launchers on My Little Pony.
So there you have it, my take on Transformers from someone who actually gives a damn about Transformers. I want to strangle everyone that had anything to do with this movie except the voice actors....except for the ones that did the Twins, they die twice.
I wrote it from the perspective of the everyman, the target audience of 14-35 year old males that like to see things go boom and hear naughty words. Apparently people want to hear it straight dope so here it goes.
This movie was a fucking mockery of Transformers, an anally raped bastardization of something that is held very dear to the hearts of millions that grew up in the 80s and early 90s. Michael Bay can eat a dick and choke on the chunky semen that flows forth.
I dont care if Sam is going to cheat on Mikaela, I really dont give a flying fuck if she is afraid their long distance relationship isnt going to work, it doesnt fucking matter to ANYONE.
All Skidz and Mudflap needed was some Robo-Watermelon and some Cybertronian Purple Drank to make their fucking stereotypes complete. They are worse than Jazz in the racists department. At least Jazz didnt have GOLD FUCKING TEETH. I swear to Primus I wanted to kill them so bad.
THEY GAVE DEVASTATOR BALLS...thats right, they gave the most badass villian in the entirity of Transformers a swinging ballsack in the form of wrecking balls. It would have been ok if there was just a glimpse and it was never mentioned, like a small inside joke similar to the priest getting a hard on in The Little Mermaid. NO! They have to point it out "Im directly beneath the target's scrotum!" I shit you not...thats a line in the god damned movie.
There are like 20 decepticons in this movie, but do you ever hear any of their names, FUCK NO! People dont care about name they just want "pew pew boom boom whoosh bang bang bang." If it wasnt for looking at the toy line I wouldnt have know the satellite was Soundwave! At least they worked Frank Welker into this one.
The fight scene at the end is anticlimactic. With 2.5 hours to work inside of you would think they could have some insightful dialogue, some character development, maybe some convincing backstory, nope no time for that elitist intelligencia bullshit, bring on the explosions! Hey Optimus takes some of JetFire's parts becomes badass and wipes out everyone in 2 fucking minutes! CUT PRINT ROLL CREDITS!
The movie sucks, its horrible, dont waste you damn time to see it unless you are a mouth breathing frat boy who likes hearing robots say "Bitch ass punk" or seeing a mini-con hump a chicks leg, or you are some retard with TruckNutz on your car, you'll laugh your ass off at dog humping, robo-dick and giant swinging testicles.
I fucking hate Michael Bay. I know I have said it a few times, but it bears repeating. He is a fucking moron who should not EVER be allowed near a director's chair. He is a hack who needs to be censured and removed from Hollywood. Dont ever see one of his films, its only going to disappoint you as long as you have an IQ above Peter Griffin's. Just stay away from his mind poison, it only makes you dumber....
I wish I could find the South Park clip but this will have to do:
Someone please stop this man before he puts rocket launchers on My Little Pony.
So there you have it, my take on Transformers from someone who actually gives a damn about Transformers. I want to strangle everyone that had anything to do with this movie except the voice actors....except for the ones that did the Twins, they die twice.
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