Revenge of The Fallen - fanboy review

The review of TF2 that I posted yesterday has caused me some grief.

I wrote it from the perspective of the everyman, the target audience of 14-35 year old males that like to see things go boom and hear naughty words. Apparently people want to hear it straight dope so here it goes.


This movie was a fucking mockery of Transformers, an anally raped bastardization of something that is held very dear to the hearts of millions that grew up in the 80s and early 90s. Michael Bay can eat a dick and choke on the chunky semen that flows forth.

I dont care if Sam is going to cheat on Mikaela, I really dont give a flying fuck if she is afraid their long distance relationship isnt going to work, it doesnt fucking matter to ANYONE.

All Skidz and Mudflap needed was some Robo-Watermelon and some Cybertronian Purple Drank to make their fucking stereotypes complete. They are worse than Jazz in the racists department. At least Jazz didnt have GOLD FUCKING TEETH. I swear to Primus I wanted to kill them so bad.

THEY GAVE DEVASTATOR BALLS...thats right, they gave the most badass villian in the entirity of Transformers a swinging ballsack in the form of wrecking balls. It would have been ok if there was just a glimpse and it was never mentioned, like a small inside joke similar to the priest getting a hard on in The Little Mermaid. NO! They have to point it out "Im directly beneath the target's scrotum!" I shit you not...thats a line in the god damned movie.

There are like 20 decepticons in this movie, but do you ever hear any of their names, FUCK NO! People dont care about name they just want "pew pew boom boom whoosh bang bang bang." If it wasnt for looking at the toy line I wouldnt have know the satellite was Soundwave! At least they worked Frank Welker into this one.

The fight scene at the end is anticlimactic. With 2.5 hours to work inside of you would think they could have some insightful dialogue, some character development, maybe some convincing backstory, nope no time for that elitist intelligencia bullshit, bring on the explosions! Hey Optimus takes some of JetFire's parts becomes badass and wipes out everyone in 2 fucking minutes! CUT PRINT ROLL CREDITS!

The movie sucks, its horrible, dont waste you damn time to see it unless you are a mouth breathing frat boy who likes hearing robots say "Bitch ass punk" or seeing a mini-con hump a chicks leg, or you are some retard with TruckNutz on your car, you'll laugh your ass off at dog humping, robo-dick and giant swinging testicles.


I fucking hate Michael Bay. I know I have said it a few times, but it bears repeating. He is a fucking moron who should not EVER be allowed near a director's chair. He is a hack who needs to be censured and removed from Hollywood. Dont ever see one of his films, its only going to disappoint you as long as you have an IQ above Peter Griffin's. Just stay away from his mind poison, it only makes you dumber....

I wish I could find the South Park clip but this will have to do:



Someone please stop this man before he puts rocket launchers on My Little Pony.



So there you have it, my take on Transformers from someone who actually gives a damn about Transformers. I want to strangle everyone that had anything to do with this movie except the voice actors....except for the ones that did the Twins, they die twice.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Let me get one thing out in the open.

I hate Michael Bay. I really really do. He is a hack director who tries to make up for his unoriginality by throwing in more pyrotechnics. He doesnt know the first thing about Transformers and was one of the worst choices for this franchise.

Now that we have that out of the way...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was a surprisingly good movie.

Most of the characters made a return (Sorry NSA nerds, no room for you). Shia LeBouf returns as Sam Witwicky, the unintentional hero of the films. Megan Fox returns as the eye candy who except for hotwiring a car doesnt really do much for the story line. Josh Duhamel's Capt Lennox really deserved more screentime, Tyrese the same. John Tuturro again provides some comic relief though at time he feel like a parody, he is now joined by Ramon Rodriguez playing Leo, Sam's roommate and conspiracy nut who is the first to start screaming when a rocket lands.

Im going to avoid spoilers as much as possible but they might slip in, this is your warning.

The story starts off 2 years after the events of the first movie, the Autobots are working with the US govt to stop the remaining Decepticons from find the remaining shard of the Allspark, everything is kept from the public because, as everyone know, we really wouldnt be able to handle badass robots on our planet.

Sam is trying to live a normal life by going to college, as he is packing clothes he discovers another sliver of the allspark that shoots beams into his brain causing him to see symbols like his great grandfather did. This is the main driving force behind the story, in the first movie they were after the glasses that were etched, in this one they are going after Sam brain a la Johnny Mnemonic.

As a long time Transformers fan there is a real tear jerking moment, I'll admit it, I cried a little. You just have to see it.

The main villian in this film is The Fallen. One of the original transformers who rebelled against his bretheren and was banished. Megatron is his disciple, kind of a Palapatine/Vader relationship it seems. The Fallen is after a long lost artifact that was left on Earth long ago by explorers and the symbols Sam sees are a map.


The story line is decent although lacking in certain areas. In my opinion you could remove Shia, give all of his lines and actions to Josh Duhamel and the movie would be a bit more concise. The awkward romance that was attempted really just took up 10-15 minutes of screen time that dont really drive the story. Yes I know it shows part of the human condition that everyone is trying to protect, but this is being marketed to tweens and long time fans that want to see robot action.

Sam does a lot of running, ducking, and telling others to run and duck. Mikaela does the same but more in slow motion to accent her jiggly bits. Leo screams alot and Simmons over dramatizes everything but in a good way.

The action sequences are animated well and the physics look great, some over use of slow motion and explosions but this is Bay we are dealing with. My main gripe with the robot fighting is that, with few exceptions, all of the decepticons look the same. Matte Silver with sharp points, when they call in backups you really cant tell who is who. Sure in the credits they are given names to list the voice actors but they are never mentioned on screens so its up to you to guess.

Towards the end it seemed like some of the CGI was rushed, it just looked too bright for the setting and the events going on at the time. And a scene where a small robot is on Sam it definately looks like the animation wasnt matching his facial movements.



Overall this film was better than I expected. If you can get past the forced humor (blender robo dick and chihuahua humping), the awkward romance (you say it first, no, you say it first) and some gratuitous Michael Bay explosions (they make everything better), this film is a great summer action flick. It was a great follow up to the 2007 movie and it does leave it open to a continuation of the franchise. It was reported a year ago that Peter Cullen signed a 3 movie deal so we can probably expect the third installment in 2011.

Transformers Sneak Clip

Now...where do I start...

I think the blender was shooting bullets from his robo-dick...

I dont really know what more I can say.

I fucking hate you Michael Bay, with all my heart, I fucking hate you.

At least there wasnt shameless product placement this time, Im talking to you xbot360 and CocaCotron!

Damn I fucking hate Michael Bay.