Jonah Hex OR How to not feature Megan Fox!

Jonah Hex follows in a long tradition of summer comic book movies, of the early 2000's.

If you didn't read the comics, you probably will have no idea what the hell is going on. I did not read the comics.

This movie made no sense to me at all. Is he dead but brought back to live ala The Crow? Is he a necromancer? Is he hallucinating? What the fuck is going on with this character?

From what I can tell, Jonah was a confederate soldier, and a damn good one. He turned against his commanding officer because he started committing acts of domestic terrorism, Jonah tried to stop him and killed Turnbull's son Jeb, who was also Jonah's best friend. In return Turnbull killed Jonah's family and scarred his face for life. This made Jonah not only hideous but impossible to understand if there were any sounds in the background, or any music playing, or if you were just really freaking bored by that point.

This is the poster:



There are only 2 names on this poster. John Malkovich I guess isn't an important enough actor to warrant his name being next to Megan Fox.

But you know who could be completely removed from this movie and you would never miss? Megan fucking Fox. She has maybe 10 lines in the whole 90 minute snoozefest and even the parts where she is seen they don't play up her hotness. Her character serves no purpose in this movie except as a quasi love interest. Again, maybe her character was more important in the comics, but I wouldn't know.

This movie could have been good. Western with nation killing weapons that are triggered by some mystery orb. Reminds me of Brisco County Jr. But then there are some weird crows, weird medicine man rituals, no explanation as to how exactly these weapons work, and nothing that really makes you want to keep watching.

Summer is the time for action blockbusters, this one is just a bust. There are no good action scenes, there is no sweet looking gun play, and again if there is ANYTHING going on in the background you cannot understand what the fuck Jonah Hex is saying.

Skip this movie, unless you're only other option is Eclipse. And only then.

0 comments: