Weapons of Reason

NAP2010 Day 1 OR Schedule kthxbai!

2010-07-22T20:38:00.002-04:00

5 hours of sleep, I refuse to pay $15 for a basic breakfast, I'm running on nasty coffee, a couple cereal bars and a piece of poundcake. Time to fuckin' rock!

Nerdapalooza, geek mini-mecca, the only nerd music festival that isn't connected to a weaboo convention, home.

Started years ago by Hex, Nerdapalooza grows each year. This year over 700 nerds, dorks, geeks and spaz's attended. They came from all over the state, some from the other side of the country, some from across the ocean, all with one thing in mind: party with their favorite artists and not get weird looks while singing Schaffer the Darklord's song Cat People.

This is my second Nerdapalooza, last year I managed free admission by brining a projections screen that wasn't even used. I stayed for both days last year but missed the pre-show. This year I made the pre-show but had to leave after day 1 because of real life obligations. Next time I might have to take Hatter's suggestion and quit my job.

So here is my write up for Day 1 of Nerdapalooza 2010 from beginning to almost the end (I fucking missed The Protomen AGAIN).

The Start

People started lining up well before 10pm to get their pre-paid wrist bands outside the concert hall. Thankfully most people had taken a shower the night before or that morning, nothing ruins the start of the day more than nerd B.O.

Once the doors opened everyone began milling about, checking out the merch tables that were already set up, talking to the sound guys, trying to chat up Hex as he ran around trying to get things ready, and saying hello to old friends from the year before.

The Opening Ceremonies

Did these even happen? I don't really think they did.

HD Ninja

Taking the stage about an hour behind schedule, I really felt sorry for these guys. Opening act for the biggest nerd music festival, already running late, and being the ones that have to get us pumped. Sucks for them. Or did it?!

HD Ninja started the hype the night before at the pre-show. Everyone showed up with their red ninja masks and free HD Ninja shirts. The energy was high, mostly because of their music, but boosted by the extra hour everyone had to wake up and copious amounts of caffeine.

I had never listened to HD Ninja except for the odd song on Nerdyshow so this was entirely fresh to me. I thoroughly enjoyed this set, especially the mini-mes that took the stage to toss shirts into the crowd. Father-son nerdcore, yessir!

Positive Attitude

Comedy duo Positude was another mystery to me. I kind of like being surprised by acts since it gives me something to look up afterwards.

The music was up a little too high during this set, just one of many technical difficulties that I will be ranting about, but it wasn't as bad as later acts.

The one line that really sticks in my brain from Positude is "You can't be a coke-whore and a christian." Great song, great group. A+ would lol again.

Krondor Krew

The first Scrub Club artist of the day was none other than Krondor Krew. Taking the stage in their full ninja garb: Shinobi, Masurao, Hikari, and Hanzou fucking wrecked that shit! Tight rhymes, fantastic theatrics, and one of the few acts of the day that had great sound quality, KK was easily one of my favorite moments of the day.

I doubt many people at NAP2010 hadn't heard of Krondor Krew, but if you are total fucking n00b, check their shit over at http://www.scrubclubrecords.com or a ninja will kill you.

Doc Awk

Bear witness to the new generation of nerdcore hip-hop! SC's Dr. Awkward took the stage around 1:45 (1:15 behind) to an amazing crowd response, backed up by MadHatter – the head of Scrub Club Records. Doc Awk was hyped well before NAP2010 came around, mainly because of the raffle used to raise funds to get him there as well as simple word of mouth.

Fun fact, my friend Amanda had no idea what Nerdcore was. I sent her the youtube link for Geekquilibrium on the 13^th, she was at the pre-show and raced like hell to not miss the Doc work his magic. That's how fucking awesome he is.

I think Doc Awk was one of the first acts this year where everyone knew the words to all of the songs that were performed. And what a performance it was, great sound quality (I hate that this has to be a qualifier), hyped up crowd, and songs that just make you feel prowd to be a nerd. DualShawks and Geekquilibrium had everyone singing, jumping, and dancing the way nerds do.

Doc Awk is going to be big people, become a fan now before you get laughed at for not knowing all the words.

Random Encounter

After watching Doc Awk tear up the second stage, I was a little underwhelmed by the following act on the Main Stage. That's not fair to Random Encounter, the accordian weilding group that puts an awesome spin on some of your favorite game musical moments.

Heavy on the Zelda and Final Fantasy themes, everyone heard something they knew and thoroughly enjoyed back in the day. Random Encounter was a relatively unknown act so the crowd wasn't huge or nearly as energetic as some past acts, but it was a solid show. It also started a debate in the crowd about FF6 vs FF7.

I have to give mad props to anyone that can play the accordion.

My Parents Favorite Music

When I saw the final line up for NAP2010 I had to do a doubletake. Anyone that follows the scene knows that there was some questioning as to the future of MPFM. Steffo had gone kinda quiet there wasnt much activity on twitter and the MPFP http://www.myparentsfavoritemusic.com/ ">site has a very ominous message.

I discovered MPFM at NAP2009 and instantly became a fan. I bought Testing the Waters as soon as the set was done, got Steffo's autograph and kept that CD in my car's player for damn near a week straight. I think if I had let it go any longer there would have been a fine ring where Chance of Showers is burned. Needless to say, I was excited.

Time for the show, Z from hipsterplease and Hex are on stage, Z is doing a welcome back speech and yells for Steffo. Nothing, Hex runs up on the phone saying that Steffo is missing. I had a feeling something was up but was still a little nervous. Suddenly I notice there are some familiar looking shoes (I'm an extroverted nerd, lol) underneath the NES controller costume. Sho' nuff' out pops Steffo, blue hair, blue beard, bright blue suit. Time to fucking rock!

Steffo was joined on stage by none other than B-Type and very briefly by Projekt Zero. Kicking it off proper with Call it a Comeback. I didn't care who was around me, I was jumping and yelling like a god damn 13 year old seeing Justin Bieber.

This was a fucking amazing set, Steffo and B-Type give off so much energy that you can't help but join in. Robit, Blue Light Special (I was wearing a Tron shirt so I fucking loved it), and Chance of Showers..my god he put Chance of Showers on the set list. I can safely say this was one of only 2 act where I knew all of the words throughout. Is Steffo the best rapper? No. Does he have the smoothest flow? Fuck no. But does he put everything fucking ounce into his performance and make you have a good time? You better fucking believe it!

My only complaint has nothing to do with the set. By now the show was almost if not over 2 hours behind and Steffo had a few quick games to give away some pretty fucking sweet prizes. None of which I was selected for. These only took about 10-15 minutes but it was almost time for the lunch break, which we all knew was wishful thinking and I was getting hungry.

MegaRan

Rapper Random found a new niche when he remixed and laid down some phat rhymes over the MegaMan sound track. The album, Mega Ran, went viral, got rave reviews and attracted the attention of Capcom. Normally this would lead to a CnD order, but not this time! Capcom loved it and licensed it! Even inviting Random to perform at the Capcom booth at Comic-Con.

MegaRan was sadly missed last year, the only performed on Magnificent Seven that didn't attend. He was eagerly awaited by many.

This is where the technical difficulties started to come into play. I heard many reason over throughout the day, wired getting unplugged, adapters not working, acts having their own system and running just one connection to the main sound booth, etc. Ran's sound was a little muddy and at times was barely audible. Did the crowd care? Fuck no! Random was on stage you pansy!

A few songs in my stomach was trying to devour itself so I had to run to the little coffee shop and grab a sammich. I quickly had to run back after I got a text simply saying "Random and schaffer are on stage." Schaffer looked almost giddy up on stage with Random, it was full of win.

Captain Dan & The Scurvy Crew

I'm so sorry Dan. I missed your set. My feet were killing me, I was still starving and I had drank so many free teas that my bladder was going to burst. I heard it, it sounded fucking great, but I had to rest.

Devo Spice

Devo Spice is one of my favorite acts. A dorky looking middle aged white guy rapping, genius!

As part of The FuMP, Devo Spice's songs always put a hilarious twist on mundane topics. Working as a helpdesk tech (What really made that song was the hottie shaking her ass with "Google it yourself" on the shorts), facebook friends, and having a case of the Mondays.

If you are having a 'Blah' day and need something to make you laugh hit up Devo Spice's site and listen to some of his tracks. If you like what you hear, buy that shit!

Shael Riley and the Double Ice Backfire

Shael Riley was yet another act I was really looking forward to. Last year he performed with Beefy and their super group The Grammar Club to a packed house of nerds, tough standard to live up to.

Dressed as Sub-Zero, he was joined by the other members of TDIBF Ty Guenly as Scorpion and Rick Henry as Reptile. Opening the set with their cover of Chinese Ninja Warrior was ballsy and fantastic. There was no intro, either you were there when it started or you ran like hell when you hear it!

This was another set where technical difficulties took effect. Shael's vocals were a little low, not that it really mattered, we knew the words and we filled in the gaps! From the emotional How to Fire a Gun, to the vengeful tip eht fo mottob, to the sarcastic Publishing Rights ft Schaffer the Darklord, this was an awesome set by one of the most well known names in Nerdcore/chiptunes.

After last year Shael released Songs from the Pit as a limited run on cassette for $5, I bought one and had to also get a tape deck. This year he one upped himself by putting forth the Songs from the Pit NAP2010 edition. It includes all of the songs from the cassette as well as some older songs from previous albums and some amazing covers. I still have the Coke jingle in my head.

Much like MPFM's Testing the Waters last year, this CD has not left my car's player. I'm not sure if you can still buy it or not, but you should really look into it.

George Hrab

Stop what you are doing. Leave this page up and go http://nerdyshow.com/?p=2127 ">here. Listen and love this shit!

George Hrab (who someone mistook for Frontalot) is an amazing artist. Skepticism has never sounded so fucking good. I don't have a lot to say about his set, it was very chill and just a pleasure to watch live.

Schaffer the Darklord

At this point the festivities were about 3 hours behind schedule. Sci-Fried was trying to get set up on the main stage and people were getting a little restless. In a moment of wisdom a quick schedule change was made. I was lucky enough to be getting Mr Hrab's autograph when it was announced that Schaffer the Darklord was going on first! I moved 10 feet to the right and was right by the stage.

If you have never seen Schaffer live, you are missing out on one of the greatest moments of Nerdapalooza. STD's stage presence and act are so energetic and hyped that you just feel sorry for anyone that has to follow him. I'm not talking about immediately follow him, I mean for the rest of the weekend people are still going to be talking about how great his set was.

This was the second of two acts that I knew by heart.

The man in the dark suit took the stage, did a very short intro, and hit the buttons to blow the venue to pieces! You can ask damn near anyone and they can tell you that Schaffer has the smoothest flows and best rhythm of any act in the scene. From Arrival of the Fittest to The Bender, there is not a break in his rhymes. Last year I overheard Doc Awk ask someone if he even breathes. The answer is no.

One very funny moment came during Schaffer's closing song, The Rappist. As soon as the beat started the crowd went ape shit! They started yelling out the opening lines and Schaffer almost seemed surprised. There was a later post on facebook saying "Superman for a weekend, Clark Kent for a lifetime." I'd say it's more nerdcore superstar forever!

Sci-Fried

After quit a while setting up Sci-Fried finally took the stage. Many people were tired as hell after STD, myself included. I was not up in the crowd as I had been for most of the other acts and was chilling in the back where there were chairs to rest my sore ass.

The sounded pretty fucking awesome from where I was. Mixing their nerdcentric life with hair metal awesomeness!

Burlesque pre-show

I don't know how it started but it's kinda of a tradition that at somepoint during Nerdapalooza Hex will be on stage and Journey's rock staple Don't Stop Believing will start up. He can't help but dance. This year though, Tri-force Mike and Cap were there too. What started out as a simple interpretive dance routine quickly devolved into something so much more awesome.

When Cap's shirt came off, we all knew Mike's would quickly follow. The crowd cheered for his hairless body's first exposure to light in what was probably a decade, then Hex brought out the big guns!

There is a video of it, just youtube Nerdapalooza 2010 and it's there in all of it's nerdy glory.

Killer Robots

Another act that took a very long time to get ready.

Mixing GWAR with The Transformers is something that I didn't think I would ever see. Such is the majesty of Nerdapalooza.

I was up close and personal with the crowd at the start of the set but quickly evacuated when the pool noodles came into play. People went after the monsters with a damn vengeance. Of course by this time it was almost midnight and the cash bar had been open for a while.

I am going to have to give these guys another listen, the guitars were freaking loud and I was right by the speakers.

Kirby Krackle

This was as act that Hex told me I had to see, and I missed it. By this point it was clear that show was not going to end until after 2 am and then I still was going to see Epic Win afterwards so I had to grab some food and a nap. Amanda and I headed to the car and rested for about an hour. I'm sorry :-(

The cookie story

I'm not one to spread rumors, I'll leave that to internet trolls. BUT! Apparently there were some special cookies that made it to the green room and knocked out some performers and totally fucked up the already fucked up schedule. So instead of The Protomen we have next:

Epic Win Burlesque!

I don't care what anyone else tells you, this was the main event of the night. Coming from NYC along with STD was EWB. Made up of Bea B Heart, Lefty Lucy, Magdalena Fox, Victoria Privates, Mary Cyn and hosted by Nelson Lugo and STD himself, they brough much needed boobies to Nerdapalooza!

No time was wasted in the geeky debauchery with BB Heart taking the stage first as Faye Valentine, the Queen of Hearts certainly stole some this night!

Next was the beautiful Magdalena Fox as Rorshach. At first I was like "I can't fap to this." But I was quickly corrected by her tall slender frame coming out from that trenchcoat. She could bash my face in with a hatchet anyday.

Victoria Privates, with her bright red wig gave a whole new meaning to many words. All of which were stuck to various parts of her body as the strutted her stuff to the classic Schoolhouse Rock song Unpack Your Adjectives. Sexy, smart, nerdy, bonerific, all of these words are applicable.

Mary Cyn as Gozer the Gozerian. If this lady asks you if you're a god, you better say yes. At this point I had taken a spot on the side of the stage for a better view and it was not a moment too soon. She was a nimble little minx.

Lefty Lucy as a The Riddler was almost ineffible. Rule 63 has always been a weird one for me and this was no exception. Her facial expressions had me enthralled with her performance, the crowd was going wild even before the ? Suit came off.

BB Heart returned to the stage. This time as the subject of many Rule 34 images on 4chan, Princess Zelda. Playing oh so innocent as she stripped down to the real crowd pleaser, Link style underwear! There is something amazing about hearing a beloved video game theme while extremely nice breasts bounce in rhythm. Sometimes I love me life.

Oh and at some point some guy did some magic or something.

The Protomen

Missed it.

Day 1 was a freaking blast! So many acts, so much music, so many hours behind schedule!

And I can't wait until next year!

NAP2010 Pre-Show and Day 1 OR WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

2010-07-22T12:52:00.007-04:00

Alas, another Nerdapalooza has come and gone, leaving fans and artists alike with horrible cases of Post Nerdapalooza Depression. There are floods of pictures being tagged on facebook and hopefully Datavortex is getting his always awesome footage ready for upload.

Sadly this year I was only able to attend Day 1 and the Pre-Show. That was really enough excitement for me.

There have already been some write-ups about the events of the past weekend, Geekdads Curtis and Z. always post great articles and you should check them out. But I am going to post an act by act write-up.

And here we go!

Pre-Show!

B-Type

Probably the farthest traveling attendee and performer B-Type (formerly MrB) opened up the preshow with several tracks from his new Album 'Shrugs' which I have reviewed previously. His set was pretty damn ace. Some of the tracks that I was not impressed with on the CD really shine during a live performance and got the crowd pumped and ready for a weekend of geekdom.

Magitek

I had never heard of Magitek before, I really should have checked them out before the preshow, damn real life. I was really surprised how great these guys were. Lots of high energy, wizard hats and rockin beats. If you haven't checked them out since NAP2010 you should really do so now.

MC Coolwhip

Anyone that attended the open mic last year knows MC Coolwhip. He is definitely a rising star in the scene and you will be hearing more about him later fo' shizzle. This guy...this guy...well he's already opened for Vanilla fucking Ice, had a track scheduled with Schaffer the Darklord (who sadly could not attend because of airline fuckups) and probably performed the best cover challenge track of the entire weekend.

You know you are doing something right when you can get a crowd of nerds to sing Spice Girls.

This set also involved a special appearance by one of my favorite artists. I will talk more about this dashing blue haired gent in my next post.

Kabuto the Python

The first Scrub Club act of the weekend was none other than the extraterrestrial reptile himself. Donning his Guy Fawkes mask he stepped onto the stage and rocked that shit proper. This year you could hear him clearly, thanks to some exacto knife work on the mask. His album Parseltongue has to be listened to, because it's fucking awesome.

The Megas

So what happens when you take MegaMan, mix it with all kinds of rock awesome, add some badass lyrics ranging from the avenging your fallen brothers to being completely useless as BubbleMan? Well you get The Megas! I was looking forward to these guys so much that I gave up my spot in the 20 minute bathroom line as soon as I heard The Annihilation of Monsteropolis. If a band is good enough for you to not pee, then they are doing something right.

Now by this time I was feeling pretty good thanks to a .50$ cup of ice, a pint of vodka and a NOS energy drink, it made the show FUCKING AMAZING! I got my picture with MegaRan, CoolWhip and I managed some decent shots of the performers. It really set the mood for the weekend, sadly no one told me about any after parties so I went to bed full of energy and didnt get to sleep until after 3:30.

Stay tuned for my write up of Day 1 of Nerdapalooza. It involves darklords, boobies, marijuana, and technical difficulties!

Roll A Twenty Records Debut Mixtape OR Why consistency is key.

2010-07-14T17:19:00.003-04:00

So recently there was a little kerfuffle over at rhymetorrents.org

Then admin Don Vito, who you can say has ruffled some feathers with some artists in the scene, announced he is starting a non-profit Nerdcore Hip-Hop label, dubbed Roll A Twenty Records. I'll say right now I love the name.

Well to kick things off, RA20 release a mixtape featuring all of their currently signed artists. So here we go with my review of:

I'm not going to go through and delve into each track, that takes too long and I'm pretty fucking lazy and have a short attention span.

The album seems very well polished, the beats are solid, the production value is on the lower end of medium high, and the whole album just flows well. Each song has its nerdy roots and are fun to listen to. Except for Forever Nerd because I fucking hate Drake and wouldn't even give him the recognition through a nerdcore parody that he will never hear.

I'll be honest with you, I didn't really browse RT before the unholy shitstorm started so I don't know any of the artists that are on this album, not that it really matters since I refuse to compare artists works to their previous works and do each album on its own. BUT, after listening to this mix tape I will definitely be checking them out. All of them.

There are some things which I have to point out that could have made this album better.

First, it's obvious that each of the artists recorded their bits and sent them in and they were mixed together. This happens all the time with compos with every genre at every level of success, but it is a very strong argument as to why each artist should be using the same equipment. Some microphones register certain sounds different, some have more range, some have distance sweet spots, and some can compensate for "hard p's".

Second, the "hard p's". These occur with certain sharp sounds, p, t, k, etc. You hear kind of a pop on the recording and it just irks the fuck out of me. This can be fixed either in recording or in mixing and I hope that it is resolved in the future.

Third, this doesn't have to do with the album itself but the circumstances surrounding its release. Don't be a dick to some people, start a record label, release an album, and then wonder why people are giving you shit.

I don't know Don Vito, never dealt with him and can only really go off of what I was able to gather skimming through RT. But I wish him and the artists now signed with RA20 the best of luck and hope they release more albums with at least this level (preferably a smidge better) of production value.

I recommend this album to anyone that is into the nerdcore scene. Even if you aren't into nerdcore, but like hiphop and remember getting really pissed at Battletoads, you should check out this out. Grab it: here

Predators OR Wait, Adrien Brody didn't ruin it?!

2010-07-14T14:08:00.003-04:00

So I finally got around to seeing Predators, a movie that I had great reservations for. I thought it was going to be some weird reboot that would completely shit on the original, I am glad to be wrong this time.

This movie really takes minimalism to heart. There aren't any ridiculously long opening credits, you get a couple of names, the title and then BAM you see Adrien Brody in free fall, plumetting down to the ground and getting his shoot deployed at the last minute. I love cold openings and this one was freezing.

I am not a fan of Adrien Brody, his resume is less than spectacular and he just seems like a weird actor, EVERYONE thought he was wrong for this movie and if you look at his career you can see why. For this role he got fucking ripped (no homo). He doesn't say much, and his character is just an ex spec-ops turned merc that does what he needs to survive. He gives an aura of badassery that automatically makes him the de facto leader of the group.

Speaking of the group, it's an odd mix. First you are introduced to Danny "Machete" Trejo:

Then some other people show up, a russian soldier taken from combat in Chechnya, the token strong female soldier, a member of a Sierra Leon death squad, a death row rapist, and an 8 fingered Yakuza. All killers of their own species for their own reasons. Oh and Topher Grace....

The best thing about this movie is the lack of character development. You don't need to know who they are, just they were hunters and now they are being hunted. Their past is irrelevant and the team behind this movie knew it. Hell most of them you only hear their name once and never again.

So what about the Predators we have all come to know and be scared shitless of? Well, they are still scary mother fuckers. Weird clicking, nightmare vagina mandibles and invisibility makes them formidable hunters and damn near invincible enemies. You do learn that there are 2 classes of Predators. The small ones we know of that hunt humans, and then larger ones that hunt people AND the smaller ones.

Just how do we learn this? This guy:

Fucking Morpheus all up in Predator's shit!

He plays Noland, a human who has managed to survive over 3 years, hiding and salvaging what he can from the other victims in the game preserve. He has been alone and running for his life and it really shows.

The action scenes are well done, there isn't any shake cam. In fact the cinematography is pretty damn good in this movie. The pacing doesn't seem rushed and nothing really stands out as taking unnecessarily long, except for one transition shot where it takes forever to fade, you'll know it when you see it.

Oh and there is a sword wielding Yakuza vs blade gauntlet wielding Predator fight. Fuckin' awesome. And Topher Grace really shines in the last 20 minutes, showing exactly how he fits in.

My only gripe has to do with flashlights in this movie. The interior shots are very dark, almost black and the BAM q-beam in the face! It actually stings your eyes after a while, but that's pretty minor. Well there is also a continuity question when it comes to a plant. If it's an earth plant how the fuck did it get there, if it alien how the hell was it identified?

The movie doesn't seek to replace any of the other Predator movies, it even references the original movie from 1987. Though no mention is made of AvP, probably because it sucked Xenomorph balls. The dialog is minimal and doesn't break up the action. The action is steady but not so repetitive that you get bored.

This is not a thinking mans movie, you go and see shit get blowd up and people get speared. On that level is delivers in truck loads. I recommend you go see it.

B-Type - Shrugs

2010-07-06T23:19:00.004-04:00

Welcome to the first of what will hopefully be many album reviews.

B-Type is a Nerdcore rapper from the UK, organizer of Nerdapalooza UK and a cross dressing sailor scout.

This album, Shrugs, dropped just a few days ago, I was lucky enough to grab it via a "leak" that was quickly plugged. Popped on my headphones, opened up VLC and cranked the volume. Then I got worried.

Let me go ahead and say that any reviews I do will be done on an album by album basis, I'm not going to be comparing the album to other bands or relating them to other works done by the artist, each album will stand or fall on its own merits.

I was worried when I heard the first song because I was not impressed. The flow seemed off and the vocals didn't seem to match with the backing beat. Kind of a like someone playing their stereo in the back ground and recording a doing a remix video on youtube.

Thank all that is nerdy that was a fluke.

The album quickly makes up for the less than stellar opening with 10 more tracks, each better and smoother than the last. Songs ranging from being a vigilante, your iPod getting doused, trying out for team Xavier, there is even a fucking song referencing the awesomesauce Gargoyles cartoon. This album is that badass.

What really jumps out when listening to this album are the beats. I'm not sure who created these beats but they are amazing. Almost every track opens with a catchy 8bit intro that quickly breaks down into a rocking tune, A+ would jam out again.

The album is not perfect, there are 3 songs about being a superhero of some sort. Each song is great on its own but it seems a little redundant having them on the same album, especially considering that Join the X-Men and We are Superheroes are tracks 7 and 9 respectively.

Overall the album is solid. It is slow to start but by the end you just want more.
Grab it here!

Well there is my shitty first album review, stay tuned for more!

The Last Airbender OR Why M Night Shamalamadingdong needs to stop.

2010-07-04T21:51:00.002-04:00

Avatar: The Last Airbender is a highly successful animated series that ran on Nickelodeon. It followed the adventures of The Avatar Ang, pronounced like it looks, as he tried to master the 4 elements so he could challenge the Fire Nation lord before he gained ultimate power and dominated the planet.

I've watched it, I enjoyed it, it's pretty damn good for "amerime".

There was quite a bit of hype for the new movie based on the series. The original trailer had me giddy:

You probably saw the problem at the very beginning.

This man, M Night Shyamalan, is easily trying to catch up to Uwe Boll for the bad director title. I loved Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense. But then there was Signs, and Lady in the Water and The Happening. It's been a steady decline, and these were his original ideas. Just imagine what he would do to a beloved children's show.

Butchered name pronunciations are something I can allow in a book adaptation, unless there is a canon dictionary, names are always up to interpretation. But the cartoon was on for 3 years, millions of people watched it and heard these names pronounced the same way for 3 fucking years. Changing how they are pronounced now is just stupid.

The bending was all wrong, the martial arts were too over the top and the entire story was rushed to get to the final battle that was lack luster at best.

This movie is a continuation of the current trend in Hollywood of making a movie visually appealing but completely devoid of substance. I don't care how awesome the CG water effects are, if the entire movie is some guy sitting in a boat I'm going to get fucking bored.

If you enjoyed the cartoon, skip this movie. If you have to entertain a child or mentally handicapped adult that can be easily distracted by shinies, go get a bag of glitter. Skip this movie and help send a message that we want substance over style.

Jonah Hex OR How to not feature Megan Fox!

2010-06-29T20:57:00.003-04:00

Jonah Hex follows in a long tradition of summer comic book movies, of the early 2000's.

If you didn't read the comics, you probably will have no idea what the hell is going on. I did not read the comics.

This movie made no sense to me at all. Is he dead but brought back to live ala The Crow? Is he a necromancer? Is he hallucinating? What the fuck is going on with this character?

From what I can tell, Jonah was a confederate soldier, and a damn good one. He turned against his commanding officer because he started committing acts of domestic terrorism, Jonah tried to stop him and killed Turnbull's son Jeb, who was also Jonah's best friend. In return Turnbull killed Jonah's family and scarred his face for life. This made Jonah not only hideous but impossible to understand if there were any sounds in the background, or any music playing, or if you were just really freaking bored by that point.

This is the poster:

There are only 2 names on this poster. John Malkovich I guess isn't an important enough actor to warrant his name being next to Megan Fox.

But you know who could be completely removed from this movie and you would never miss? Megan fucking Fox. She has maybe 10 lines in the whole 90 minute snoozefest and even the parts where she is seen they don't play up her hotness. Her character serves no purpose in this movie except as a quasi love interest. Again, maybe her character was more important in the comics, but I wouldn't know.

This movie could have been good. Western with nation killing weapons that are triggered by some mystery orb. Reminds me of Brisco County Jr. But then there are some weird crows, weird medicine man rituals, no explanation as to how exactly these weapons work, and nothing that really makes you want to keep watching.

Summer is the time for action blockbusters, this one is just a bust. There are no good action scenes, there is no sweet looking gun play, and again if there is ANYTHING going on in the background you cannot understand what the fuck Jonah Hex is saying.

Skip this movie, unless you're only other option is Eclipse. And only then.

District 9 OR Damn, humans are dicks!

2009-08-24T00:35:00.003-04:00

District 9 is a movie that I was unsure about. I didn't watch all the teaser trailers or read any spoilers, to be honest I didn't really care enough about the movie to look into it. I'm very glad I let myself be surprised.

**Spoilers to follow, this is your alert**

The movie starts documentary style, we are introduced to Wickus, a low level paper pusher for MNU, a company that does....stuff. Stuff ranging from serving eviction notices to extra-terrestrials to military weapons manufacturing to mercenary employment.

20 years ago an alien mothership settled over Johannesburg, South Africa. After cutting through the hull of the ship over 1 million aliens were discovered living inside in a state of near death. Since the world was watching live they decided to move then into a special "resettlement camp" known as District 9. Because people are dicks, the aliens (derogatorily called prawns) aren't trusted and it becomes a prison camp, complete with weapon deals, food gouging and inter species prostitution...yeah that's right, gettin' freakay with ET!

Anyways, the aliens dont really like it here and they want to go home. One alien, named Christopher for some reason, is scrounging a special fluid that is used in their technology in hopes of powering a shuttle that is hidden below his shack. Just as he gathers enough Wickus arrives to serve the eviction notice, legally needed so they can move the prawns to a new camp 200 miles away.

Wickus examines the canister the fluid was gathered in and it sprays him in the face, causing him to start changing into a prawn. The military wants him because only prawns can use their weaponry as its DNA coded. The Nigerians want him because they think eating prawns will give them more power. The prawns want him because he knows where canister is. Wickus just wants to go the fuck home and get his arm back to normal.

So somehow Wickus and Christopher storm into MNU headquarters, blast the fuck out of heavily armed guards, get into the high-sec lab, steal the canister and make it out without being killed but the large mercenary force MNU hired to make sure the eviction process went smoothly. Wickus starts feeling sorry for the aliens he had been such a dick to, double crosses Christopher, then feels bad about it since he crashed the damn shuttle, takes control of an alien mech and kicks some major ass.

**End Spoilers**

This move was pretty damn good, and I don't say that often. Sure there were some parts where you scratch your head and think "Why the fuck didn't they just die?!"

This was not an action movie, it was not a mockumentary, it was not even a sci-fi movie really. This was a thinking movie, a movie that makes you look into its deeper meaning and take the idea of the movie and overlay it with real life.

There was a reason this movie was set in South Africa, it basically showed apartheid but in reverse. This time it was the native Africans abusing and controlling those they saw as a lesser species. It showed how humans are so quick to turn on other species if they see a benefit. And it showed how its easy to flaunt your power, until you are on the other side.

Its a touching movie with a deep meaning. I would recommend you see this while it is still in theaters. Since it isn't Disney and they use the word Fuck...a lot, it won't have a Titanic length run.

MySpace Security

2009-07-18T16:34:00.000-04:00

So Im seeing another rash of mysterious bulletins and status updates that can only mean one thing. You got hacked by clicking a strange link that someone randomly posted.

How does all of this start? Well its pretty easy, someone clicks a link to see sexy singles, they approve an "Active X script" that steals their un/pw next time they log in. Their account is then accessed and they spam up with link to "a site that has rumors about you" or "omg you have to see these pics from last night."

You, being a person that rumors are created about or have embarrassing pictures taken of you, click this link to make sure you arent going to get fired from your corporate job, it comes up and asks you to approve an "Active X script" to see the content. Since you dont know what you are doing and blindly click on "OK" or "Yes" every time it comes up you have infected yourself. The cycle starts anew and continues forever.

"But Brandon, I'm so careful when I go online." Obviously not because your account got hacked. What you need to do now is change your password and security questions to something other than your boy/girlfriends name...and not your pet's names either. Pick a random word from the dictionary, thats a large book with a lot of words in it.

I really hope this has been an informative and inspirational post. Now fix your damn profile.

Harry Potter and the Teenage Romance

2009-07-15T11:48:00.005-04:00

Let me go ahead and say that this review may contain some spoilers. The book has been out for a few years now so everyone should have been able to read it. Otherwise you should get off your fat ass, turn off MTV and read a fucking book. Levar Burton didnt spend years on Reading Rainbow for nothing asshole.

Im a huge Harry Potter fan and Im not ashamed to admit that. It is a well written book series wherein the writing style and subject matter grows with the audience over the 7 year adventure of Harry, Ron and Hermione. It's a solid book series that has allowed JK Rowling to sleep on a mattress of money on a solid platinum frame. The movies each follow the books quite well taking a little artistic license only when necessary and never taking anything away from the story.

The Half Blood Prince does not open with Snape taking the unbreakable oath, instead we start with Harry sitting in a subway diner chatting up a waitress, you little horn dog. He looks out the windows to the Dumbledore staring at him, they then go and meet with with Slughorn and convince him to come back to Hogwarts. Nothing wrong with this scene, it shows well that Harry is maturing and isnt going to just sit at home anymore in fact you dont see any of the Harry's aunt, uncle or cousin which I was happy about because they are annoying characters anyway.

So, as in the book, Slughorn is now teaching potions and Snape is defense of the dark arts teacher now. While in potions Harry discovers a beaten up text book with lots of stuff written in the margins. He uses the notes to be top in his class in potions. The book also has some new spells written in it and is signed The Half Blood Prince.

You don't get to see Snape teaching at all though. Considering he is supposed to be a main focus of the story line you really dont see him very often. He pops up from time to time to drag Malfoy away after he gets caught sneaking around, he has a mysterious conversation with Dumbledore, then he comes to Malfoy's side at the end. For such a pivotal character I really wanted to see more of him.

Unlike the book though there really isnt much done to try to find out who the half blood prince is. The term is only mentioned half a dozen times in the movie and at the end when you learn he is Snape...it doesnt change anything. "Oh, ok," is the general feeling about it.

The acting is still top notch, after 5 movies the actors have their characters down and provide really solid performances. I would have liked more Nymphadora Tonks, both her and Remus are really marginalized in this movie.

There is a lot that is left out of this movie. Cho Chang is not in it at all, all but 2 of the memory scenes are removed. There is a stronger focus on Harry/Ginny and Ron/Hermione than I would have liked. They removed the destruction of Diagon Alley, the Death Eaters storming through Hogwarts, and Dumbledore's funeral. All of which were very emotional scenes that really added to the reading experience.

The movie ran ~2.5hrs, had they cut out some of the awkward glances and "snogging" and put in more wizard on wizard battles like what was in the book this movie would have been greatly improved. I know some of that will be added as a "Director's Cut" on DVD, you greedy bastards.

Oh yeah, Snape kills Dumbledore. If you didnt already know that, die in a fire and gtfo my internets.

Im still gay for Johnny Depp

2009-07-15T09:16:00.003-04:00

I was once in a heated debate as to whether Johnny Depp has ever been in a bad movie. I have now been proven wrong...

This movie really disappointed me for a few different reasons.

First and most glaring was the camera work. It looks like the entire movie was filmed for a History Channel re-enactment. Extreme close ups that follow the actors for way too long, grainy film work that I'm guessing is for dramatic effect, and the old fade to b/w to transition into a film reel.

Scene transitions were almost non existent, you jumped from scene to scene without any clear idea as to what happened in the between time. It also suffers from Cloverfield syndrome, where it appears they couldn't afford to hire cameramen who could keep a camera steady, instead they got a guy with a handicam who was going through heroin withdrawals..

Second was the action. I loves me some action, a little heart pounding and suspense makes for a good movie, it engages the audience and makes them want more. Public Enemies does not deliver on that. The gunfights start and they just keep going and going and going and going, to the point where I went to the bathroom, came back and the same damn gunfight was still going. I am aware that some of the showdowns between the Dillinger gang and the FBI were quite lengthy but when I get bored of a damn gunfight, you are making the movie wrong.

Length isn't even the real issue here, the gunfights just aren't captivating. You watch Saving Private Ryan and you don't want to get up when they are storming the beach, you don't want to miss anything when orcs are besieging Helm's Deep, and you aren't going to blink during Tombstone at the OK Corral. I went to the damn bathroom in the middle of a gunfight.

Third is the characters. Johnny Depp is amazing and charismatic, Christian Bale isn't doing the Batman voice and you really feel for his character of Melvin Purvis. I really hope these two do more work together in the future, in a better film. Neither of these characters are developed well though. You see that John Dillinger likes robbing banks and is good at it, but why? Melvin Purvis has a strong dedication to the law and wants to see Dillinger brought to justice, buy why?

All of the other characters are borderline nameless, there have no development, no intriguing qualities, and are wholly uninteresting. The Lady in Red was always a central and enigmatic figure in the Dillinger tale, she is introduced as a madame in the beginning of the movie and the BAM informant. I really would have liked to see her character shown more, even if they took some artistic license to fill in the blanks.

Other well know gangsters are shown in this movie, Baby Face Nelson, Pretty Boy Floyd, etc. The movie is called Public Enemies...not John Dillinger (it would have failed on this as well.)

The random G-Men that are shown I'm sure have some history behind them, why does the fat boy relish in beating the shit out of a woman? I WANT TO KNOW!

Last is the soundtrack. I didn't see it in some fancy IMAX with ZOMG sound, I like my small hometown theater, it wont be crowded and I wont have idiots ruining the movie for me, I'm not complaining about the sound quality anyway. I will have to watch this movie again and actually time it but I swear that at least 1/3 of the sound in this movie is gun fire. Non-stop gunfire, I touched on this in the action sequence but damn...it just lasted way to long.

The other 2/3 of the movie are some dialogue, some random song from the 1920's or 30's or just silence. Silence can be used to great dramatic effect, when used properly its amazing and has more feeling than Oh Fortuna. But when its silence for no apparent reason, it is just boring.

I did not enjoy this movie, it had so much promise but failed to deliver.

It could have been a classic, gritty, Chicago crime drama. Instead its a too long gun fight movie that barely touches on the story of John Dillinger and Melvin Purvis, the formation of the FBI, and the later consequences of the federal criminal legislation. I wanted Blow, I got Bad Boys 2.

Nerdapalooza Day 2

2009-07-13T18:38:00.005-04:00

Alright, so after chillin with peeps Saturday night I was crazy tired, hardly any energy left but still going, feeding off the awesome that was permeating the concert hall.

Here we go.

Open Mic

There were some really great rappers that stepped up, Loki with a cameo by Schaffer the Darklord, lucky bastard. And MC Coolwhip with his diss to Helen Keller...

mCRT

Definately not for the easily offended. Easily the raunchiest nerdcore artist at the show, and possibly in the community. There is something unnerving about hearing the term "pink sock" before its drinkin time...

Emergency Pizza Party

They said it couldnt be done, they said it shouldnt be done, but EPP proved them wrong. You CAN somehow rhyme about pizza and Capt Planet in the same song...well still maybe you shouldnt but it was hella catchy.

The Great Luke Ski

Umm...I was eating breakfast. Im sorry Luke :(

Dual Core

Holy shite! If you want to know where the scene is headed, or maybe where it should be heading, check out int80. In my opinion, with his rhymes and no deviation from the subject matter, the purest form of nerdcore I have ever heard. This was probably also the most EPIC act because of this:

int80, remy, MC Lars, MC Frontalot, Beefy, YTCracker and Schaffer the Darklord. One stage, one song, 5 of the most awesome minutes in nerdcore history.

The House of Black

Wizard rock, interesting concept, didnt stay for this one as I was dying of thirst and needed to rest after staring into the face of awesome.

ZeaLous1

When he isnt busting out a sick free style he is rocking your face with songs about first person shooters and pwning your ass every chance he gets. His newest album is definately worth checking out.

Uncle Monsterface

I didnt really know what to say when this band came on. They have people in costumes, cool. They have sock puppets, cool. Their first song was about a battle between Mashed Potatoes and Vampires...lol wut?

The Grammar Club

This was something a lot of people were waiting for, they had been practicing each morning since this was the first time everyone in the group would be playing together irl. You had beefy, laying down fast smooth rhymes and Shael Riley, without a doubt one of the best lyricists in the nerdcore genre. This show was plagued with sound problems, from mic feedback to the drums being unusable.

It was still a great first show for nerdcores first Super Group.

Schaffer the Darklord

Here we go, the main event (at least in my eyes). Schaffer is a rapper from NYC, he is evil, he drinks baby tears to sustain himself, he can throw down enough beer to kill an elephant and doesnt breath.

Im just playing, he does in fact breath, I just dont know when. His rhymes do not stop, he does not stop. He and his black box of doom take the crowd to a new level of energy and dont let them back down until he is damn good and ready.

With songs ranging from Fonts battling killing each other deciding who is the best to the ultra offensive to some Night of the Living Christ he has to be the greatest showman of the nerdcore genre, easily the best ive seen.

Unfortunately I was not able to stay long enough to see The Protomen, had a long drive ahead of me and little sleep as is. mc chris was the main headliner for the night and the closer for the entire event...

There were some people that said he didnt belong, he has blasted nerdcore repeatedly and said that everyone was just riding his coattails, well look. He sell tickets, it was all for charity so no one can really complain. And if Frontalot is cool with it them im cool with it.

Nerdapalooza 2009!

2009-07-13T09:57:00.005-04:00

Im back at my day job after having easily one of the best weekends of all fucking time.

I went to Nerdapalooza, a nerdcore centered music festival down in Orlando Florida, over 20 acts with 30 performers spread over two 12 hour periods. For clarities sake Im gonna go through each act chronologically.

Please note, Im not trying to diss anyone or disparage what they do, these are just my own personal views and preferences so if you get offended then you are taking yourself way too seriously.

Odd Austin

Wasnt really what I was expecting, I guess it was nerdcore since he talked about social networking, but I could kinda feel from the crowd that as an opener he was a little lack luster.

My Parents Favorite Music

So you have a guy with a green mohawk and beard, rhyming over Zelda lyrics about the harshness of life. These guys had so much energy and you could tell they really like what they do and just want to share it with people. I bought their album Testing the Waters, has barely left my CD player. Scope em on MySpace

Devo Spice

Very entertaining, I was talking to some merch people while he was on so I missed a few songs, very good rapper none the less.

Captain Dan

Rapping Pirates. Yep there is an extra p in there, not what you would expect, kind of against the grain :-P. Awesome lyrics and style. Talked with him and his wife several times through Saturday, very awesome people.

Marc with a C

Sadly another one that I missed, this time from eating. Protip: Dont plan on going anywhere for food in that tourist trap hell.

Listening to his stuff online, very good music and he is a local.

Scrub Club

This was an act I was NOT going to miss. They were the subject of much discussion the entire day, some were saying that they were the next up and coming group in nerdcore, this was important considering Mc Lars' blog about the death of nerdcore. Well guess who was right beside me in the front row...Mc Lars.

Fantastic flow, lyrics, beats, high energy rappers who were laying down mad fucking rhymes. Only complaint was that Kabuto (wearing a Guy Fawkes mask) was all but inaudible.

Are they the next big thing in nerdcore? I dont know but its going to be smart to check these guys out.

Spork and HDNinja

After Scrub Club I chilled towards the back to drink up the free Vitamin Water and cool off so I wasnt front row, but they sound was really tight and smooth.

Krondor Krew

I fully expected a battle between these guys and Captain Dan, why? They are fucking NINJAS!

Awesome costumes, though I wish I could have gotten better pictures. Fast hyped rhymes that just make you want to move.

Epic-1

Other than Hamstar and maybe Zealous1, Epic-1 was the best at free styling. I want able to get any videos of this but Im sure some will be posted on youtube very soon.

The Megas

Rock...Megaman, its like peanut butter and bananas. The sound seemed a little off though, it was a problem that was persistent with a lot of acts but with fast guitar and heavy drums it just made it more noticeable.

I Fight Dragons

One of the most hyped acts of the entire night, crazy sound equipment that was connected to a track and field pad, Nintendo powerpads and controllers...and I fucking missed it!

The hotel I was staying at had a 3am check in limit and I was really looking forward to some after parties. The hotel was .75 miles away...took me 45 minutes because of traffic on I-Drive, so pissed for real.

YTCracker, MC Lars & MC Frontalot

While technically 3 different acts, they each back one another up on several songs so there really wasnt a clear ending point between them.

I was lucky enough to see this Trio in Jacksonville last year, when I heard that Lars and YT were booked for Nerdapalooza I knew what to expect. And they destroyed the stage, in a good way.

YT with his hard lyrics and high energy were only diminished a little by his stage partner who was high as a kite and fucked up some lyrics.

MC Lars catchy Post Punk Laptop Rap had everyone moving their asses and screaming their lungs out.

MC Frontalot. Without him the genre wouldnt have a name. His rhymes and music range from the fast paced Tongue Clucking Grammarian to the chill yet disturbing Yellow Lasers. A very mellow end to the night musically, especially after YT and Lars.

Saturday came to an end, we were all tired, hungry, sweaty and pumped. I wound up eating at IHOP with MC Lars, DJ, Maja, Mike Rousso, Eric and Angel, great night, a crazy ass waitress and CPs galore. Took us 10 minutes to get seating, 45 to get our food, 20 to eat, 20 to escape, good times.

Got back to the Holiday Inn and headed upstairs, Eric and Angel had to part ways since they were only 20. I wasnt able to stay long, it was already approaching 5 in the morning and check out at my hotel was 11. Was able to catch some amazing free styling with MC Lars, Hamstar, Epic-1, Zealous1 and Maja.

I'll be posting the events from Sunday shortly, right now I gotta get some food.

They arent even trying anymore.

2009-07-10T09:55:00.002-04:00

I regularly check my spam folder and see what kind of crazy garbled messages I get trying to get me to buy Cialis or Viagra or some "herbal" variation there of.

I really want to know how these people are getting information on my penis size, but they need to check their sources...ladies.

I was planning on posting a best off list of the craziest random string of words. That was until today, I open 1(!) email and it has this, its a list of....stuff..all one big hyperlink to a Canadian pharmacy. I'm telling you, dont trust anyone from Canadia.

found van hurtle carve!
coccus wean cupel hurtle?
spawn spawn gullet.
diet missus satire douse!
eddish hong spawn pact.
pigsty cuboid spongy satire?
scree scry spun natter.
poker maroon.
buckle satire hotel.
purist spawn spun clave!
haul emir rested.
grain carve.
splay barret thieve glossy!
alight yore kino.
educe did splay womb?
holly missus alight.
spawn beady clave maxima.
missus sorb.
sundae haul van foster?
diet beady spawn yap?
did brown missus found?
purist womb wean missus!
hotel smarm meshy holly?
sudsy purist dare.
hut foam cuboid cupel!
oxtail delve cuboid page?
forum womb page haul.
cuboid womb pact brown?
cobweb oxtail.
cupel haul splay delve!
meshy coccus whisht whisht!
coccus creep maxima sneak?
hotel foam haul yore!
yore eocene.
vein womb purist whisht.
rested beady purist womb.
deary poker hurtle.
glossy diet.
maxima wean hut.
maroon brown hong payoff!
did pigsty foster.
haul carp mucous foster.
crump maroon.
rested uppish.
uppish filet carp carve!
dare sudsy pigsty kino.
grouch racing.
eocene locus kino.
maroon grouch haul rasper!
whisht glossy.
spawn missus cupel eddish!
crump coccus basque cuboid?
uppish spongy vizier cobweb?
remark racing meshy grain?
satire pigsty helmet carp.
beady vizier douse womb.
educe beady cobweb.
emir borer escort eocene?
august spawn.
maroon kino.
haul clave rested yore.
payoff cobweb sleazy emir?
whisht maxima.
alibi buckle remark.
educe oxtail hut.
gullet crump foster coccus!
dare clave thieve yore?
spongy rested mucous.
beady spawn sorb glossy?
filet remark.
satire uppish hut.
hong yore buckle.
purist scree holly beady?
hotel pigsty diet.
brown maxima.
missus gullet eddish helmet?
drag rasper carve august?
clave glossy.
purist missus dare diet.
cupel locus glossy foster.
missus ablaze.
glossy elves douse vizier.
spawn drag wean.
gullet funk rested uppish.
dare reeky douse.
glossy hong remark dare?
foster dirge.
diet grouch bade dare.
diet borer barret maxima!
escort hong.
remark deary.
scree glossy.
natter wean escort foster!
sleazy splay.
oxtail hurtle.
oxtail rasper clave hong?

Ever wanted to go on an acid trip?

2009-07-09T11:25:00.001-04:00

What The Fuck?!

2009-07-03T12:33:00.004-04:00

So here I am working at the Liquor store, its just before noon so its still pretty slow a normal Friday morning...at least I thought.

Here in Putnam County Florida we have some crazies, we have some real crazies, like George Lucas crazy...

A guy comes in, normal looking guy mid 40s maybe, asks for a half gallon of cheap dark run, normal so far. I ring it up, he hands me a card, I ask him cash to credit, he says credit. He quips that I should know better, no one has any money, we are still in the Bush recovery time. I chuckle because I thought it was funny, he asks if I voted for Obama I said yes, because I did.

He said he met him, I thought that was cool and not impossible Obama did do several stops in Florida. He said then that Obama has gone to his house in Hastings...bullshit meter rising. Then all hell breaks loose.

Let me summarize this because there is way too much crazy:

1) George Bush was really stripped of power on June 21st of last year but it wasnt revealed because of the economic meltdown...which I dont think happened until a few months later.
2) Obama was almost assassinated at this guys house...in Hastings...
3) It was ordered by Bush and Cheney and executed by over 200 Delta Force soldiers.
4) This guy dropped 6 secret service guys when he tried to warn them.
5) Over 20 secret service agents died in the firefight that soon ensued.
6) Obama picked up a rifle and dropped 15 or more of the Delta Force assassin squad.
7) We have been at DEFCON 2 at least 200 times since June of last year.
8) The country is actually in control of someone else and the world is ready to blow itself up over it.
9) That man is him!!!!!
Update:10) He is also the one that converted Obama to christianity and made him tone down his seeming arrogance.

This went on for like 15 minutes or more until the guy finally said "You think it's bullshit dont you?" And he walked out and back towards the next door fruit market.

What...the...fuck?!

Prepare for your mind to be blown away!

2009-07-02T22:37:00.000-04:00

RIP Loud as Hell Man

2009-06-28T12:56:00.003-04:00

"TV pitchman Billy Mays was found dead today in his home in Tampa, Florida early this morning.

According to the Tampa PD, the 50-year-old TV pitchman was found unresponsive by his wife Deborah at 7:45 AM.

Mays had just returned from Philadelphia, where he shot a new OxiClean commercial. He was a passenger aboard a plane that suffered a blown front tire upon landing. He told a local TV station, "All of a sudden as we hit you know it was just the hardest hit, all the things from the ceiling started dropping. It hit me on the head, but I got a hard head."

We're told Mays was at his home around 6:00 PM last night, and according to a source Mays was "acting fine and normal ... he was talking business with his father-in-law."

According to cops, there are no signs of forced entry to the residence and no foul play is suspected.

The Medical Examiner's office is expected to complete the autopsy by tomorrow afternoon.

Billy's wife Deborah just released the following statement:

Although Billy lived a public life, we don't anticipate making any public statements over the next couple of days. Our family asks that you respect our privacy during these difficult times. "

No more late night infomercials, no more oxyclean, no more funny videos of him ordering drive thru, Im a mix of emotions right now.

Any guesses on who is next?

UPDATE: The FAA is reporting that during the rough landing, that caused Billy Mays to get knocked on the head by luggage, he was not wearing a seatbelt. How that would have stopped him from getting knocked on the head I dont know but it seems like they are scrambling to not get blamed.

Revenge of The Fallen - fanboy review

2009-06-25T01:01:00.002-04:00

The review of TF2 that I posted yesterday has caused me some grief.

I wrote it from the perspective of the everyman, the target audience of 14-35 year old males that like to see things go boom and hear naughty words. Apparently people want to hear it straight dope so here it goes.

This movie was a fucking mockery of Transformers, an anally raped bastardization of something that is held very dear to the hearts of millions that grew up in the 80s and early 90s. Michael Bay can eat a dick and choke on the chunky semen that flows forth.

I dont care if Sam is going to cheat on Mikaela, I really dont give a flying fuck if she is afraid their long distance relationship isnt going to work, it doesnt fucking matter to ANYONE.

All Skidz and Mudflap needed was some Robo-Watermelon and some Cybertronian Purple Drank to make their fucking stereotypes complete. They are worse than Jazz in the racists department. At least Jazz didnt have GOLD FUCKING TEETH. I swear to Primus I wanted to kill them so bad.

THEY GAVE DEVASTATOR BALLS...thats right, they gave the most badass villian in the entirity of Transformers a swinging ballsack in the form of wrecking balls. It would have been ok if there was just a glimpse and it was never mentioned, like a small inside joke similar to the priest getting a hard on in The Little Mermaid. NO! They have to point it out "Im directly beneath the target's scrotum!" I shit you not...thats a line in the god damned movie.

There are like 20 decepticons in this movie, but do you ever hear any of their names, FUCK NO! People dont care about name they just want "pew pew boom boom whoosh bang bang bang." If it wasnt for looking at the toy line I wouldnt have know the satellite was Soundwave! At least they worked Frank Welker into this one.

The fight scene at the end is anticlimactic. With 2.5 hours to work inside of you would think they could have some insightful dialogue, some character development, maybe some convincing backstory, nope no time for that elitist intelligencia bullshit, bring on the explosions! Hey Optimus takes some of JetFire's parts becomes badass and wipes out everyone in 2 fucking minutes! CUT PRINT ROLL CREDITS!

The movie sucks, its horrible, dont waste you damn time to see it unless you are a mouth breathing frat boy who likes hearing robots say "Bitch ass punk" or seeing a mini-con hump a chicks leg, or you are some retard with TruckNutz on your car, you'll laugh your ass off at dog humping, robo-dick and giant swinging testicles.

I fucking hate Michael Bay. I know I have said it a few times, but it bears repeating. He is a fucking moron who should not EVER be allowed near a director's chair. He is a hack who needs to be censured and removed from Hollywood. Dont ever see one of his films, its only going to disappoint you as long as you have an IQ above Peter Griffin's. Just stay away from his mind poison, it only makes you dumber....

I wish I could find the South Park clip but this will have to do:

Someone please stop this man before he puts rocket launchers on My Little Pony.

So there you have it, my take on Transformers from someone who actually gives a damn about Transformers. I want to strangle everyone that had anything to do with this movie except the voice actors....except for the ones that did the Twins, they die twice.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

2009-06-24T03:53:00.003-04:00

Let me get one thing out in the open.

I hate Michael Bay. I really really do. He is a hack director who tries to make up for his unoriginality by throwing in more pyrotechnics. He doesnt know the first thing about Transformers and was one of the worst choices for this franchise.

Now that we have that out of the way...

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was a surprisingly good movie.

Most of the characters made a return (Sorry NSA nerds, no room for you). Shia LeBouf returns as Sam Witwicky, the unintentional hero of the films. Megan Fox returns as the eye candy who except for hotwiring a car doesnt really do much for the story line. Josh Duhamel's Capt Lennox really deserved more screentime, Tyrese the same. John Tuturro again provides some comic relief though at time he feel like a parody, he is now joined by Ramon Rodriguez playing Leo, Sam's roommate and conspiracy nut who is the first to start screaming when a rocket lands.

Im going to avoid spoilers as much as possible but they might slip in, this is your warning.

The story starts off 2 years after the events of the first movie, the Autobots are working with the US govt to stop the remaining Decepticons from find the remaining shard of the Allspark, everything is kept from the public because, as everyone know, we really wouldnt be able to handle badass robots on our planet.

Sam is trying to live a normal life by going to college, as he is packing clothes he discovers another sliver of the allspark that shoots beams into his brain causing him to see symbols like his great grandfather did. This is the main driving force behind the story, in the first movie they were after the glasses that were etched, in this one they are going after Sam brain a la Johnny Mnemonic.

As a long time Transformers fan there is a real tear jerking moment, I'll admit it, I cried a little. You just have to see it.

The main villian in this film is The Fallen. One of the original transformers who rebelled against his bretheren and was banished. Megatron is his disciple, kind of a Palapatine/Vader relationship it seems. The Fallen is after a long lost artifact that was left on Earth long ago by explorers and the symbols Sam sees are a map.

The story line is decent although lacking in certain areas. In my opinion you could remove Shia, give all of his lines and actions to Josh Duhamel and the movie would be a bit more concise. The awkward romance that was attempted really just took up 10-15 minutes of screen time that dont really drive the story. Yes I know it shows part of the human condition that everyone is trying to protect, but this is being marketed to tweens and long time fans that want to see robot action.

Sam does a lot of running, ducking, and telling others to run and duck. Mikaela does the same but more in slow motion to accent her jiggly bits. Leo screams alot and Simmons over dramatizes everything but in a good way.

The action sequences are animated well and the physics look great, some over use of slow motion and explosions but this is Bay we are dealing with. My main gripe with the robot fighting is that, with few exceptions, all of the decepticons look the same. Matte Silver with sharp points, when they call in backups you really cant tell who is who. Sure in the credits they are given names to list the voice actors but they are never mentioned on screens so its up to you to guess.

Towards the end it seemed like some of the CGI was rushed, it just looked too bright for the setting and the events going on at the time. And a scene where a small robot is on Sam it definately looks like the animation wasnt matching his facial movements.

Overall this film was better than I expected. If you can get past the forced humor (blender robo dick and chihuahua humping), the awkward romance (you say it first, no, you say it first) and some gratuitous Michael Bay explosions (they make everything better), this film is a great summer action flick. It was a great follow up to the 2007 movie and it does leave it open to a continuation of the franchise. It was reported a year ago that Peter Cullen signed a 3 movie deal so we can probably expect the third installment in 2011.

Pissing yourself and licking bear shit.

2009-06-23T19:30:00.002-04:00

What the fuck Harold? What the FUCK?

You wrote Ghostbusters for fucks sake..AND Ghostbusters 2. You are a damn genius when it comes to wit and humor and you give me this pile of feces?

Year One is by far one of the worst movies I have ever seen, through its entire run I didnt laugh once, not ONCE. Normally I love dick and fart jokes, I missed that stage of developement when they ceased to be funny, if someone cuts one, I laugh hysterically. Somehow this movie took that away from me.

Maybe I was expecting too much, maybe I thought the all star cast of comedians would make me laugh, if that is asking too much then I apologize.

Jack Black was so disappointing, his character basically tries to fuck anything that moves and gets by on dumb luck.

Michael Cera plays the role he always plays.

The women are just there for eye candy and have no depth to them whatsoever.

Only some of the background characters are worth anything, Cain (David Cross) has his moments as a psychopath trying not to get blamed for his brothers murder. The High Priest (Oliver Platt) is pretty good as a hedonistic, homosexual, pedophilic holy man, his time on screen was the only thing that got a small chuckle from me.

There is no story line, just incoherent transitions from one poorly written and executed joke to the next. There is no humor, just shock joke, like the eponymous pissing on yourself and eating bear shit, literally the bear shit joke goes on for 2 minutes too long.

The other 8 or so people in the theater with me were thinking the same exact thing. This movie wasnt funny, it wasnt clever, and Im not sure who thought it would be a good idea to make.

If you were planning on seeing this movie, dont. Unless you are a functional retard, then you might get a laugh or two. Just dont go in expecting Old School or Airheads, you will just want to kill yourself.

What are they doing to my childhood?

2009-06-23T13:04:00.002-04:00

The original Transformers movie from 1986 was Epic on so many levels.

First there was the story, they fucking killed Prime in the first 20 minutes. It made an entire generation of little boys cry and I still get misty eyed when it happens, you have a heart of stone if you dont.

The animation was super smooth and vibrant, it was everything that you wanted a Transformers movie to be.

The soundtrack...nothing but 80's guitar rock, hair metal, and fast drums that kicked you in the ass, got you pumped up and asking for more, it was amazing, it fit perfectly and there was one song that stood out above the rest.

Stan Bush - The Touch

It was inspiring in a cheesy way, it was kid friendly and parent approved and it just worked with the story. So when I heard that this song was going to be in the new movie I thought, hellz yeah. Maybe they will make it one of the songs that bumblebee uses to talk with, since for some reason his voice box is still broken, or maybe they will use it as an inside joke like they did with GnR in Terminator.

Nope, they are using it in the main soundtrack, WOOOOOOO...wait...whats the catch? Yeah, there is a catch, it has been nu-metalized. It has been updated, modified and hipped up...and they fucked it up royally. So allow me to show you the next part in the continuing bastardization and raping of my childhood.

Im sorry children of the 80s.
Michael Bay is a bad bad man.

New Movies - Initial Thoughts

2009-06-23T11:54:00.008-04:00

Avatar: The Last Airbender

I never really got into the animated series, my girlfriend has it all on DVD so maybe I will catch up before this comes out.

This teaser looks pretty good, and from the 2 seconds that I see the actor, he looks pretty close to the character from the show. Looks like his hair is buzzed into an arrow rather than it being a tattoo on his head but it could have just been the lighting.

There is one glaring problem with this film that I see. The director. M. Night Shyamalan.

There are some people that see him as visionary, think he does great work that makes you think about the movie as a whole....bullshit. He did a couple of awesome movies, Unbreakable and The Sixth Sense, after that it was like his sanity went into free fall. His other movies are either so obvious you see it after 30 minutes in or the twist is so ridiculous you wonder how it was greenlit by the studio.

I see this movie going one of two ways. First, it finishes the story line neatly, answers questions that fans of the show have had and provides the grand finale people have waited for.

Or....

Ang is really a space alien from an alternate dimension who was sent here in the guise of the avatar to manipulate world events so his species can control the elements and gain total domination, the only way to stop him is for his element bending friends to find the true last airbender, call for Captain Planet and stop Evil Ang from calling the other Xyboids into this demension.

If you really think about it, it's a toss up.

Ponyo

Trailer Here

I'm a huge Miyazaki Fan, and once again an all star cast is called together for the US release of his next epic.

But...Miyazaki has more of a cult following than anything in the US.

Is he a great director? Yes
Are his films loved my millions all over the world? Yes
Am I going to see this movie the day it comes out? Fuck yeah
Will the Majority of the US enjoy this film and understand its deeper meaning? Fuck NO!

Miyazaki is a thinking man's director. He uses amazing visuals and compelling characters to teach you something. Generally it is about keeping the world clean and livable, Nausicaa, Princess Mononoke, Castle in the Sky, etc. When you walk out after seeing one of these films you want to drop kick the next person you see tossing a can on the sidewalk, he is that good.

Though he is considered one of the best filmmakers in the world inside the US, other than some long time fans and convention goers, he is unknown. Depsite his Academy Award, despite his awe inspiring works, despite his sheer awesomeness, more people know McG than Miyazaki, and that makes me a sad Totoro.

This film looks great visually, it looks meaningful and insightful, I just with more people would see it than I know actually will. I have a feeling the majority of those over the age of 20 that see it are going to be dragged to it by their kids because the characters look cute. That just a fact.

So those are my initial thoughts on these two films. As new trailers come out I will be giving my opinions to the masses.

Tonight I will be seeing Transformers 2, expect a full review with as few spoilers as I can sometime in the early AM.

Transformers Sneak Clip

2009-06-21T12:45:00.000-04:00

Now...where do I start...

I think the blender was shooting bullets from his robo-dick...

I dont really know what more I can say.

I fucking hate you Michael Bay, with all my heart, I fucking hate you.

At least there wasnt shameless product placement this time, Im talking to you xbot360 and CocaCotron!

Damn I fucking hate Michael Bay.

Ghostbusters - Final Thoughts

2009-06-19T18:21:00.001-04:00

Finished up Ghostbusters on the 360 today. I bought it Tuesday, Ive only had 2 gaming sessions.

Do you see my problem?

The game was far too short. Yes the story line flowed, it was coherent, concise, and well written.

Which is great for a movie, not so much a game.

There are no sidequests, I was able to purchase all the upgrades midway through the game. If I played through it again, even on professional it would only take me a few hours.

Dont get me wrong, I was enthralled with the story line, I really felt like I was part of the action and there were some times when the game really creeped me out. I loved it to no end...I just hate that it had an end.

Many people will tell me that the multiplayer gives the game a longer life, and thats true, but right now my xbox has a busted ethernet port so I cant get onto xbox live, and my work schedule is so erratic and different from my friends that I wouldnt be able to play with them anyway. And I dont do random games, I fucking hate 14 year olds.

If you play on xbox live all the time and have a steady group of people to play with, buy this game NOW. If you are more of a casual person who doesnt have a lot of playtime or doesnt play games on line, rent this. In either case you are making a solid investment.

As a side know, anyone want to buy a copy of Ghostbusters?

Ghostbusters on the 360 Review

2009-06-17T10:08:00.000-04:00

So I picked up my copy of Ghostbusters on the Xbox 360 yesterday. I havent completely finished the game but I have played enough to get a good feel for the game without potentially spoiling anything.

When you start the game you are introduced as a new ghostbusters recruit and you are instructed to try out some new equipment. Slimer escapes and that leads you to your tutorial on ghost busting.

The character models are spectacular. There are some animation sync issues with voices at times but only if you are looking for that kind of thing. The movements for the most part seem natural, when they arent you can tell its being used for comic effect. The voice acting doesnt even need to be talked about, its all the original actors back in their roles. The only exceptions are Rick Moranis and Sigourney Weaver who I believe are totally absent in this game. *sad face*

The controls take a few minutes to get used to as you have several different types of beams you can use with your proton pack. You have your proton beam, your capture beam, your stasis beam, your slime blower, your slime tether and a couple others that I cant remember right now, ill edit later.

Catching ghost is pretty straight forward, you wear them down with your proton pack, it then automatically changes to your capture beam which allows you to wrangle the ghost. It can be a little trick to get the ghost over a trap you have set down, it takes a lot of control stick tapping to get them in just the right position. You do have a Slam ability, normally it will just slam the ghost into the ground, or if you hold the control stick in a direction it slings the ghost in that direction.

Other ghosts arent captured, you just blow them up. These normally arent ghost but animated objects or possessed creatures. They blow up real nice.

The game isnt perfect though.

Right off, I would have liked to have been able to customize my characters appearance. The character model is somewhat generic, even just the hair color would have been acceptable. Instead you look like a mix between Ray and Peter, only skinnier.

Should you fail a mission, normally by getting pelted by small flying ghosts that can be a pain to aim at, the wait time to load your last checkpoint seems uneccessarily long. My average wait time for this was 30 seconds to a minute. At least you hear some good ghostbusters music and you are shown art for the proton pack as well as some game tips. Its still a long wait though.

Also some of the transitions from gameplay to cutscenes are somewhat abrupt, its a minor point but it kinda irked me.

There have been reports of screen tearing in the game, I havent noticed any graphical glitches in my copy so maybe it was the demo copies that had this problem.

Overall I would say this game is definately worth your time. Its fun, its funny, its actually scary, and you get to play as a freaking ghostbuster!

Yes I did say the game was scary. At times you have to wear your PKE helmet to locate ghosts and hidden items, its nightvision like with creepy sounds and beeps, then BAM a ghost busts out of a painting right in front of your face. The low lighting in building hallways also adds to the effect, narrow, flickering lights, skittering candlesticks....*shudder* Its not as scary as say, Silent Hill 2 or Fatal Frame: Crimson Butterfly, but there were a few hair raising moments.

Even if you arent a fan, this game is a decent FPS. There really arent any platform elements except for moving some items with your capture beam.

Graphics: 8/10
Gameplay: 7/10
Replay value: Depends on how much you like acheivements.
Overall: 8/10

Why do bad things happen to good people?

2009-06-15T13:11:00.000-04:00

If there were is a god, the one described by christians, the all knowing, all caring, all compassionate god, he really needs to step the fuck up and do his job.
From an outside observer, god really is a dick. If a normal person did the things that god has done, he would be executed. He would be tried, convicted and put in the electric chair, and saying "God...I mean me...told me...I mean God, to do it." Might work a bit on an insanity plea....but he would still get fried.
God has a confirmed kill count of 33million, 33mil counts of cold, calculated, murder. These people didnt die of natural causes, last time i checked brimstone shooting from the sky isnt natural, these people were murdered by God. This includes the great flood, where only Noah and his close family were spared and all other humans were drowned. Ya know what they say, cousins make dozens! Bow chika wow wow.
He was genocidal, smiting all of the ethiopians, 2 chr 14:9-14. There was a war going on, one side asked god for help and god fucking killed a million people for them...just because they asked...
So God will kill a million people for you, but you arent winning the lottery, sorry folks not the way the skywizard works.

Those are some of the more harsh criticisms, but now id like to move on to some more minor things.
As this post is titled, Why do bad things happen to good people? If you ask a christian they will probably tell you that bad times are challenges given to you by god to ensure that you remain faithful to him...basically, god is really insecure and has to be a dick to you to make sure that no matter what he does to you, you will still love him. Hell he completely ruined Job's life just to prove a point.
That would be like a guy killing his girlfriends cat, raping her dog and burning down her house just to see if she will still love him, and when she doesnt, he kills her because she was unfaithful, and you cant refute that argument, its damn near the exact same thought process. God = Psychotic boyfriend/cult leader.
Fossils...yep im going there...fossils. Most people, no matter their religious affiliation or lack there of, know that the world is old, that dinosaurs were real, and that fossils prove that. BUT, there are some who say that the world is not old, dinosaurs lived at the same time as humans and fossil dates come up really old because once again God is testing our faith...where to start...
So apparently, God knew that some time in the future we would realize that carbon 14 and other isotopes decay at a steady rate, that measuring the amount of these elements we would be able to determine the age of things, and to fool us, he put WAY more of these isotopes into things so we would think they are really old instead of believing ideas from bronze age nomads...makes sense to me, put that shit in some science books and call it a day, give it the Old Testament seal of approval and get those kids out in the fields of Theological Archaeology.
You people want to know the truth? The honest to truth?
There is no god, if there was he quit caring a long time ago and has moved on...probably to Miami.The earth is really really fucking old, the solar system is even older, and the universe is super ultra fucking old.Humans evolved from lower animals, before you start the whole "I didnt come from no monkey," following which you scratch your ass and smell it, read a book, a science book, an evolutionary science book. You are right, we didnt come from monkeys, but monkeys and humans came from the same common ancestor.
We dont know exactly how the universe started, but instead of shouting SKYWIZARD!!!! we keep asking and looking into the skies for the answers instead of sticking our head in the sand and pretending everything is going to be ok no matter what.
Bad things happen because bad things just happen, there is no reason for it, there is no grand plan for life, shit just happens. Praying isnt going to make it go away, thought it might calm you down to preserve your sanity. The best you can do is trudge through it and do the best you can. Its not what most people want to hear, but if God answered prayers, either there would be world peace, or the world would have been blown up a long time ago.
There isnt an afterlife. Even if there was, you probably dont really want it. Everyone says that when you die and you go to heaven you are there for all of eternity with God. Do you have any idea how horribly boring that would be?
500 maybe a 1000 years wouldnt be so bad, you could read a shitload of books, see a shitload of movies and talk with all the really dead famous people. But after that, say in a few billion years when the sun burns out, when there are no more people coming to heaven, there are no more new stories or books or movies, you have nothing. You get to sit there with all the people you already know everything about, who are probably starting to annoy you...FOREVER. Not normal forever where a dinner date goes really bad and you want to get away, this is true forever, for infinity years if you believe in it. You would have trillions of people, all going completely stir crazy and no amount of foozball is gonna keep them occupied because by then, everyone would know how to do the trick shots.
This is the only life you have, make the most of it. Enjoy your life and dont be a dick.